In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court overturned the Women’s National Basketball Association on Friday, declaring the right for women to play professional basketball is no longer federally protected by the constitution. From now on, the legality of the WNBA will be left up to the states to decide.

Justice Clarence Thomas said that the original ruling “must be overruled” because “the constitution does not confer the right for women to dribble, pass, shoot, alley-oop, or posterize anyone in a professional sports setting.” The original ruling made in 1973 declared that the game played between coach Debora Roe and Loraine Wade was constitutional.

Recently the topic has been heavily debated on all-male hosted sports panel television shows and podcasts. Which led to over 40 states calling for a final decision to be made about the constitutionality of women playing a game.

While some oppose the decision, basketball traditionalists around the world see it as a huge victory, echoing Justice Amy Coney Barrett’s sentiment that “the only influence women should have on basketball is birthing the male players that play it.” Meanwhile, opponents of the decision fear the ruling might see women crossing state lines to join professional teams or — worse — engaging in dangerous back-alley pick-up games in their home state.

Former WNBA star and women’s rights activist, Sue Bird, expressed her dismay on social media platforms, stating, “all of us know at least one woman who has played in the WNBA and today the US turned their back on them”.

Analysts suggest this decision hints that the Supreme Court may next look to vote on the legality of young women becoming mathletes.

Despite bringing together the biggest and brightest basketball, social activist, political, and artistic luminaries from all over this great republic for the annual tradition of national healing, this year’s NBA All-Star game failed to cure society’s ills. We at Sports Riot investigate where–and more importantly why–the league’s marquee game failed in its time-honored mission of healing America.

 “The All-Star game is consistently the balm on America’s soul,” rattled NBA commissioner Adam Silver, who hoped this year’s outing would be no different. 

“MJ’s performance alone in the ‘80s and ‘90s All-Star games single-handedly fixed racial division and pay equity, until he handed the baton to LeBron, who ultimately handed it to the Obama Administration in ‘08. In 2021, the sheer talent on the court gave scientists the inspiration they needed to invent the COVID vaccine.” Yet, this past weekend, Silver noted while in a defensive coil, inspired nothing but derision.

 “I don’t get it,” he said. “It’s like people are forgetting the historical context of the game. May I remind everyone that we, the NBA, through our All-Star passing, technique, shooting, and dunking ability, inspired such societal innovations like dental floss, personal email, strawberry smoothies, and the five-day-work-week.” Silver said. 

And yet, two teams playing in the most vibrant hamlet in all of Indiana, while on an LED court with graphics just as good as any N64 game, still was not enough to bring this country together. Sources tell Sports Riot the NBA even took lengths to cancel defense for the evening, but even this failed to save us, as a nation.

All-Star game MVP Damian Lillard didn’t have the answer either, but noted he was glad Kobe wasn’t alive to “see this shit,” while Steph Curry said the NBA could have picked a better and more vibrant town — like Oklahoma City or “anywhere else, really.” 

 Only time will tell if the All-Star game will unite our nation in restorative peace once more, though Sports Riot is optimistic about the healing power of the upcoming tried-and-true NHL Skills Competition.

On January 29, 1986, Sports Riot heroically covered the Space Shuttle Challenger’s abbreviated flight and sudden disintegration 46,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean. Wilt Chamberlain was not, however, on that mission, as we previously reported.

In the news game you gotta be first, and we at Sports Riot remain committed to this maxim. Sometimes that means you’re wrong for 37 years until your daughter comes home with a diorama of the Challenger and you say, “Hey, where’s old number 13?” and she says, “I keep telling you, Wilt Chamberlain was not on the Challenger.” And you call your editor.

We apologize for the oversight. We’re sorry for saying that hall-of-fame-quality pieces of Chamberlain’s body were found scattered along Cape Canaveral. The satellite image we thought was the Big Dipper’s legendary dick was in fact a living nine-pound grouper. And the Challenger did not, as we claimed in ’86, fail due to a Chamberlain-initiated orgy.

Again: sorry.

But, you know, some of this is on you. Sports Riot always urges its readers to check multiple sources, including kids. We even published an “In Memoriam” that year, with another account of Chamberlain’s gruesome death and not one person corrected us. (Though a “realwiltchamberlain13” did write, “What the hell is this shit?”)

And hey, for our followers who considered Chamberlain dead as of 1986, you’ll be heartened to know he lived another 13 years. What a gift! But to be clear, among the seven brave men and women who died tragically aboard the Challenger that day, none was named Wilt Chamberlain.

We recently reached out for a comment from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar but discovered, sadly, that he perished on 9/11.

Jason Taytum has spent today’s family game night patiently explaining to his kids that he’ll miss Christmas morning again this year, as he’s needed on an important work trip to go lose to Milwaukee, according to sources close to the Celtics star. 

“Sorry, but daddy can’t watch you open your presents. My job really needs me to get locked up by Milwaukee’s defense this Christmas,” Taytum said to his teary-eyed kids, who were already sad their dad had missed their birthdays to choke in front of the Jazz.

Taytum acknowledged that his boss, mean Mr. Stevens, runs a demanding schedule that has caused him to miss many important family events in the grueling 82-game regular season. “But maybe, if you’re really good for Santa, he can give us a Christmas miracle, like a torn ACL, that will let us be together that day,” Taytum told his kids.

“But, but Bryce’s dad doesn’t have to play on Christmas,” Jason Jr. said of his friend’s father, LeBron James. Tatum went on to explain that Bryce’s father has more pull with the boss due to being with the company longer.

Though Jason Jr. was disappointed his dad would be gone, he felt joy in his heart to know that his dad would be giving such a special gift to the people of Milwaukee by losing an ultimately meaningless game to the Bucks. Asking if he could go to the game and cheer on his dad’s Christmas spirit, Tatum reportedly said, “Aww, sorry bud, the game’s sold out.”

After a season of hairline cracks to his confidence, sprains to his self-entitlement, and completely shredded dignity, LeBron James plans to spend this offseason rehabbing his badly injured ego.

The damage stems from LeBron’s elimination from the NBA’s first round of playoffs, an unprecedented event that blew out his ego almost completely as it was crushed under the weight of the Suns’ Devin Booker.

“The injury was so horrific, LeBron was immediately airlifted from the scene in his private jet, while he and his entourage attended to, and licked, his wounds,” said Lakers head coach Frank Vogel. “Thanks to the quick butt-kissing, James’ ego survived, but was severely damaged.”

LeBron’s rehab regimen is scheduled to start immediately. “First, I will hydrate only with Sprite, consume only Blaze Pizza, and be surrounded by those I love,” LeBron said of the rehab room filled with photos and posters of himself.  “After I analyze all my endorsements, then I’ll concentrate on looking in the mirror and complimenting my form.”

Those close to LeBron expect the superstar’s signature work ethic will be applied to recovering his ego strength. “With an injury this severe, recovery will be like climbing a mountain,” said Orthopedic Egomaniac Specialist Adam Prietto, who worked with Michael Jordan after his infamous stint in the MLB. “But LeBron is motivated to remain the GOAT at narcissism. He’ll be back on his high-horse in no time.”

Asked whether he was planning to address his torn ACL during the offseason too, LeBron told reporters he’d concentrate on that after finishing his ego therapy, where he still plans to swim laps in piles of his endorsement money and study a version of “The Last Dance” where he has been digitally inserted in place of Michael Jordan.

In a touching display of affection after a difficult year, the tip-off to the 2021 Olympic Basketball tournament was preceded by a tasteful tribute to the many NBA players who couldn’t be bothered to show up. Fans of every nationality were visibly moved by the Jumbotron slideshow set to Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven,” despite it mostly featuring Americans.

“It’s just a tragedy so many superstars were cut down in their primes by the pressing demands of offseason binge-watching obligations,” a distraught red-white-and-blue-clad American fan, Stephen Mills, told reporters outside at the stadium’s candlelight vigil. “I heard LeBron and Curry had pre-existing apathy and Jimmy Buckets caught a case of the fishing trip. Mixed with afternoon naps, those are death sentences for honoring your country once every four years.” 

While Nikola Jokic, Kawhi Leonard, Anthony Davis, James Harden, Chris Paul, Kyle Lowry, Russell Westbrook, and Donovan Mitchell all had career years, it is believed a plague of indifference swept through the locker rooms during the All-Star weekend infecting the athletes’ abilities to exert effort for any reason other than millions of dollars.

“It was such an emotional experience to light the funeral pyre of NBA jerseys at half court with the Olympic torch,” U.S. gold medalist Simone Biles told Bob Costas while choking back tears. “Never in my life could I have imagined so many heroes to millions of young children missing from an event that cultivates peace and love on a worldwide scale.”

Look, we get it. The man is 58 years old. He hasn’t played professional basketball since 2003. Decades of smoking cigars and drinking whiskey have turned him soft and doughy. There are those out there who argue his years of punching Steve Kerr in the face are behind him. Make no mistake, MJ takes that personally. And when MJ takes things personally, there’s not a face in the world he can’t punch.

We’re talking about the same guy who won three straight championships, retired to play baseball, then came back and won three more. Does that sound like somebody you want to doubt?

When MJ first punched Steve Kerr in the face, he was a spry 33 years old. No one was surprised to watch him land a big right hook on the smaller guard’s face. It’s tempting to say old chubby MJ doesn’t have it in him anymore. Yet, this isn’t his first time being the underdog. Let us not forget the time Michael went down $362 million dollars while playing craps at the Monte Carlo casino in Monaco. How did the GOAT respond? He wagered his majority stake in the Charlotte Hornets to win his money back. And guess what? He lost everything. But then he won it back. You can’t keep this guy down for long.

Speaking of the Hornets, how about the fact that Jordan was considered the worst owner in the NBA for nearly a decade? ESPN wouldn’t even air their games. Many said he should sell the team. But MJ doesn’t have the ‘quitter’ gene. Instead, he worked hard and eventually drafted LaMelo Ball. Now ESPN is contractually obligated to show a LaMelo Ball highlight every 10 seconds. MJ did that.

Steve Kerr has won a total of eight NBA championships as a player and coach. His security detail is massive. Haters will say MJ has no chance of getting within arm’s reach of Kerr’s face. They are fools. One day, MJ will invite them all to sit in the front row as he’s inducted into the Boxing Hall of Fame. Then he’ll walk down from the stage and punch every single one of them in the face. That’s just who MJ is: a winner.

In a dramatic hour-long special televised last night on ESPN, coveted Lakers superstar LeBron James redefined the NBA injured reserve landscape when he announced whether or not his ankle remains a little bit sore.

“This spring, I’m going to take my talents to the bench for two days and join the physical therapy team,” James said during The Prognosis, which was filmed at the Los Angeles Boys & Girls Club where hundreds of adoring fans gathered to hold ankle X-rays while wearing compression wraps. “The major reason in my decision was the best opportunity to relax and to relax now and relax into the future also.”

At the team’s training facility, doctors and physical therapists celebrated and congratulated one another on securing one of the game’s premier injury talents, noting that a move like this solidifies James’ status as the GOAT. “MJ would never tell you when his ankle was sore, and look at the endurance LeBron showed under the pressure of those studio lights,” Lakers massage therapist Stacey Robinson said.

Miami Heat president Pat Riley told Stephen A. Smith that he spoke with James numerous times about the diagnosis.

“When LeBron told me that he needed to make a decision on his ankle, I told him to go for it. Go for your next career step,” Riley said, adding that James felt like he lacked injury support from players like Anthony Davis, who is currently playing with a herniated disc.

At the program’s conclusion, James clarified that while his ankle felt better than earlier in the day, he’ll see how it feels tomorrow morning before speaking with ESPN to again announce his game-time status.

After years of interspecies cross-fertilization, basketball geneticists announced Friday that they’ve successfully bred Wilson basketballs with Gatorade Frost. 

The drink-ball zygote marks the single greatest leap forward in the field of on-the-court hydration since the invention of Aquafina. 

The achievement, however, comes after decades of failed experimentation. “We tried Gatorade injections, topical applications, and even atomic fusion. Nothing worked,” said Dr. Johan Silke, NBA Professor and head of the Basketball Genome Project. “But we held out hope for breeding. After all, that’s how we got LeBron!” 

The thirst-quenching/inflatable ball is thought to be the apex of corporate synergy and should, if approved for public use, lead to billions in revenue worldwide. And while hybrid species are normally sterile, Dr. Silke is hopeful that “Frosty” will one day reproduce with a Gatorade Fierce to create bolder, more intense offspring to carry the sport forward. 

“In science, we call this a slam dunk,” commented Jane Goodall, who had been living with and studying Gatorade Frost in the wild for 20 years. “While a PowerAde-Spalding mix would have also met the league’s needs, unfortunately, PowerAde is a more aggressive beverage and does not mate well in captivity.”

Though the scientific community is excited, People for the Ethical Treatment of Electrolytes (PETE) is planning to protest the new hydration-ball, citing crossbreeding’s propensity to cause congenital issues like getting stuck on the rim and tasting like Propel.

James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there.

“There is plenty of competition for this year’s ‘Jimmy,’ but only one can win,” host James Dolan enthusiastically announced from the stage, referencing the award’s nickname, which honors the legacy of James Dolan, the great Knicks and Rangers owner.

Flanked by two large replicas of the shirtless, golden ‘Jimmy’ award, tensions mounted as James Dolan slowly opened the envelope to reveal this year’s lucky recipient was, in fact, James Dolan. 

All eyes were on the winner as a surprised and grateful James Dolan ran to the front row of the Garden amidst scattered applause and then walked back up to the stage, shaking hands with several of his most scared employees along the way.

“Wow! I can’t believe it! It was one thing to be named ‘Defensive Knicks Owner of the Year,’ and ‘Comeback Knicks Owner of the Year,’ but it’s truly an honor to be ‘Knicks Owner of the Year,’” Dolan said, holding back tears. “I’ve only reached these heights because I stood on the shoulders of giants like James Dolan! This is for you Jimmy!”

After being played off stage by house band JD And The Straight Shot, led by frontman James Dolan, the Jimmy winner reportedly got straight to celebrating his 23rd nomination, and win—a Jimmy’s record—in a night of partying with his closest friend, James Dolan. 

To commemorate the occasion, current Knicks Owner, James Dolan, has raised a banner in the rafters and built a statue of James Dolan dunking on Patrick Ewing.

Steph Curry, with his smoove shooting form and boyish good looks, could be considered the greatest basketball player of all time, assuming that this is based on aesthetics, and aesthetics alone. Is Curry the GOAT? Probably not, he’s not even in the playoffs, but everyone knows what a GOAT looks like, and Curry sure looks like it. 

Many Basketball Analysts will tell fans to look at things like “stats” or “championships” or “skill” to determine the GOAT, but this is an incomplete way of looking at greatness. Greatest is also determined by how effortless a move is, or how cool Curry looks in a Golden State uniform. Could Bill Russell look that good in gold and blue? Impossible. 

When looking at the qualities of a GOAT, one also does have to think about their supporting cast, and the teammates they had to bring to greatness. Take a look at Draymond Green. Based on looks alone, Draymond looks the least like a GOAT more than anyone in NBA history. Standing next to Green every game helps Steph look even more like a GOAT in looks and looks alone. 

One day, when sports finally does away with context, we will show our kids through carefully selected photos that Steph Curry is the GOAT, because damn, he sure looks like a GOAT.

NBA Hall of Fame inductee Reggie Miller is known for bringing a high level of excitement in everything he does, whether it’s his play on the court or his excitable commentary in the booth, but when he had to attend a family funeral this week, Miller brought his typical 10/10 energy down to an eight. 

Toning it down represented the greatest challenge thus far in Miller’s illustrious career. “This is tougher than a Game 7 against the 90’s Knicks,” said Miller before he donned a headset and sat on the pulpit next to the priest.

As the deceased’s loved ones carried the casket into the church, Miller, purposefully performing below his peak level, provided color commentary on the ceremony. “That was some impressive pallbearing, I dare say, all-star level. It’s clear why they’re on the first team. Those dudes we’re pallin’ out of control,” said Miller, who credited the weakest of the pallbearers as an “excellent sixth man.”

Miller carried on throughout the service with a variety of impeccable observations. During a musical section meant for reflection, Miller noted that “’Ave Maria’ is a great song, but I would have gone with ‘Basketball Jones,'” and that “despite being a rookie, the departed is performing like a veteran,” during the halfway point of the eulogies. While Miller declined to formally eulogize his relative, he did announce to the mourners that, “I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Steph Curry is the greatest shooter of all time.”

As the priest concluded the solemn event, Miller said farewell to his family members and promptly threw it back to Ernie, Kenny, Chuck, and Shaq in the studio for TNT’s Inside the Funeral.

We rank his ten best, with words since we couldn’t get the footage. 

The Akron Amazer

As a senior in high school, LeBron amazed fans with a dunk that saw him clutch the ball as he rose above defenders and slammed it through the rim. A truly amazing sight. 

 

The South Beach Diet

In his second season with the Heat, a slimmed down LeBron James intercepted a pass at half court and used his lean frame to race down the court and throw down a Skinnygirl Slam. 

 

The King’s Reach

During the 2015 All-Star game, LeBron left fans stuttering when he drove into the lane and elevated to new heights to perform a dunk the likes of which had never been seen before. 

 

The Taco Tuesday Throw Down 

In his first season in LA, LeBron used the extra energy he had from a big pregame meal of tacos to throw down a spectacular Tex-Mex inspired slam that had fans saying, “no puedo creer lo que ven mis ojos.” 

 

The West Hollywood Windmill 

A windmill dunk is when a player moves the ball in a windmill-like motion when dunking. A staple in the LeBron repertoire was forever changed when he moved to tinseltown and added a much needed boost of pazazz and flare to the classic slam.

 

The Maverick Carter 

This highlight came when LeBron held the ball with two hands and posterized the Dallas Mavericks’ Vince Carter. 

 

The Space Jam 2

Due to a confidentiality agreement we aren’t allowed to say much about this dunk, but just wait till Space Jam 2 hits streaming and you’ll know exactly why this made our list. 

 

The O-HI-OOOOOOOOOOOOO

Who can forget the time LeBron contorted his body to spell out each letter of his home state, Ohio, before slamming the ball down and securing Cleveland’s first NBA title.

 

The LeBron Runs On Dunkin Dunk

In 2009, LeBron teamed up with Dunkin’ Donuts to donate a cup of coffee to a kid in need every time he dunked. The unprecedented deal was capped off with a dunk so amazing we can’t even explain it.

 

The Danke Schoen, Darling, Danke Schoen

There simply are not enough words to describe this dunk. 

 

These dunks were truly something you’ve got to see to believe. 

After a disappointing loss to the Milwaukee Bucks, humble Brooklyn Nets superstar Kevin Durant graciously credited all of his teammates for the 113-101 defeat. Durant took it upon himself to confront the media after a frustrating game to answer tough questions while selflessly shifting responsibility for the loss to everyone on the team but himself.

“My teammates just didn’t have it tonight. The Bucks are a tough team to play, and they are even tougher when all of the guys on my team go out there and don’t give me any help,” Durant said. Amazed at the lack of effort from start to finish, Durant noted how difficult it was to play as bad as they did. “People talk about how tough it is to shoot over 50% from the field, well, try shooting under 25%. That’s almost impossible. I’m awestruck at how my teammates actually did that tonight.”

What Durant seemed most impressed with from his teammates was their passion for basketball. “You know we have some guys that love to play the game, and tonight they just weren’t very good at it.” The NBA superstar continued to light up the room with praise for his teammates while reminding the media how many turnovers, missed lay-ups, missed free-throws, and bricks they shot.

“Of course, I was phenomenal tonight, but I want to award the ‘Doo Doo Player Of The Night’ to Joe Harris for going 0-11 from three tonight.”

Anxiously pouring over the countless files that covered his desk, the realization that a team could be destined for failure confounded NBA historian Herb Redman, who points to the one deciding factor being that this team is the Knicks. 

“They have new management, new coaches, a team full of young promising players, but I can’t help shake the idea that none of that matters because they are the Knicks,” said Redman, who pointed out even when the team won championships in the 70’s, New York City was so dangerous fans couldn’t even enjoy the wins, so it’s like it never happened.

“Even after Michael Jordan retired and got out of their way, they still failed because, as I now understand, they are the Knicks,” added Redman. “That team had Patrick Ewing, who many people believed the NBA helped them land, but they still could not win a championship despite his dominance because the Knicks quite simply are destined to be the Knicks.”

One would seem to believe that New York couldn’t afford to give the Knicks more wins. But, why? Were the Harlem Globetrotters taking all the wins that were to be had in New York? Redman didn’t think so. “Even if the Knicks played the Washington Generals every game, I’m not sure they’d be able to get to .500. Also, that team in Brooklyn is pretty decent.” 

After analyzing Redman’s findings, many fans demanded the team revert to their original name of Knickerbockers, but Redman refused to support the movement saying, “First of all I can’t believe this team still has fans, but more importantly you know who the Knickerbockers really are, right? It’s just a longer, more complicated way of saying the Knicks.”

The COVID-19 pandemic has forced millions of friends and family to isolate themselves from one another, but that hasn’t stopped professional athletes from defying the odds and getting even closer. In fact, following several positive COVID-19 tests, NBA contact tracing is revealing that all NBA players appear to be best friends with each other who hang out together all the time.

“After carefully reviewing CDC-defined close contacts of all players with a positive COVID-19 test, it became clear the league is bearing witness to rapidly spreading lifelong friendships,” said NBA contact tracer Chance Williams.

Pre-pandemic, many players were already at least somewhat friendly with one another prior to spending 11 weeks together in a bubble last summer. Now, many months into the pandemic, players from teams across the league are holding frequent sleepovers that feature karaoke, spitting contests, and hours of NBA 2K.

As the league works tirelessly to untangle this massive web of newfound friendship, it has instructed these tight-knit groups to spend even more time together—away from everyone else—for 10 to 14 days! It’s a really heartwarming gesture on behalf of the NBA, giving their players ample time for playing cards and filming TikTok videos. 

According to Luka Doncic’s little sister, who was spying on the boys during last night’s sleepover, every player in the NBA has decided to join the Los Angeles Lakers next offseason so that they can all play together on one big happy team. 

It’s been a hot topic of debate for many years: should college athletes be paid? 

As a prominent booster for the distinguished University of Vanderbilt football program, this is something I have pondered in my study many a fortnight, whilst drinking the finest brandies and snacking on the most juvenile of veal. And it’s only after my maid has washed the wine and baby cow grease from my naked body that I can say for certain that, no, no they ought not.

Hear me out. 

If we indulge this demand, what will the players ask for next? I’ve read the bone-chilling memoir “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” and know that if we give one concession, the demands will never cease. These emboldened players will only ask for more and more.

Soon they won’t just be seeking cash, they will also want permission to make eye contact.  Water breaks and medical help. To eat at our dinner tables. To date our daughters. The right to free speech and due process. Freedom of religion. For Heaven’s sake, these ruffians will even ask for dignity. The line must be drawn somewhere! 

The slope isn’t just slippery, it’s the double black diamond ski trail near our winter homes in Aspen.

And what’s next after that? Will our racehorses ask for a salary, too? Will our BMWs want a 401k? Will our maids want lunch breaks?  Paying our beasts of burden is a dangerous precedent. They might start to think they’re people.

Please sign this petition to stop the NCAA from paying its players and thereby opening this Pandora’s Box of basic dignities.

Sincerely,

Cornelius Vanderbilt VII

There’s always a Cinderella story in March. This year, an incredible mid-major team shocked the nation by rallying in the first round of March Madness to lose their game, but ultimately win their parents’ respect. Fans around the world reacted as UNCW came off the court from their 71-59 loss to respectful head nods, eye contact, and a singular tear from their parents.

“Their parents clearly didn’t have faith the team could ever make a real tournament, so when they only lost by 12, the parents were blown away!” said one fan, noting that he had never seen a mid-major player get a hug from their dad before. One sports radio host argued that it was the team hustling, listening to their coach, and showing up on time that earned their parents’ respect, while the other host fired back, saying it was the Progressive commercials that aired during their sons’ game.

“Indianapolis, huh? That’s where the Pacers play. That’s big…for you!” said the parent of UNCW’s guard, before mentioning they had better catch the red eye back to NYC. Other parents couldn’t believe it when analyst Billy Packer spoke about the mid-major team, saying, “I mean, wow! Even though he pronounced the name wrong, being mentioned at all is such a cute little achievement.”

Fans were amazed when a parent told their son in a postgame interview that they had perhaps been too harsh in judging their communications major. Not everyone agreed, with some parents weighing in, “If my son went to a school worse than Michigan State, they wouldn’t be my son!” tweeted @DukeDad1978, who was promptly ratioed on the platform. 

Although everyone knows Mid-Major schools are completely worthless, last night, those young men showed America that if you give it your all, you can be seen as a little bit more than completely worthless, which is something we’re sure they’ll tell their middle-class children someday.

A 6’6” forward with a 45-inch vertical, high school junior Jeremiah Rooks is starting to generate serious buzz as the next Zion Williamson after receiving a $50,000 bribe from a top college basketball program this past weekend.

“With those kind of hops, it’s only a matter of time until the bribes start pouring in,” said Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski when asked about Rooks. “Colleges, agents, sneaker labels: they’ll all be trying to corrupt this young phenom with giant piles of cash.”

To his credit, Rooks is tuning out the noise and focusing his energy on getting better.

“I know the bribes are coming. That’s why I work so hard on my game, to make sure I’m worth all that dirty money,” said Rooks while bench pressing two cartoonishly large sacks of dollar coins. “It’s about choosing the right bribes, not just for me, but for my family. I want to make sure that any scumbag I’ll be sitting with in a sketchy diner (as he hands me briefcases filled with hundred-dollar bills) is a scumbag I can trust.”

At press time, Rooks has accepted a large bribe to play basketball in the Cayman Islands, where he hopes to learn from the best how to hide illicit funds from the U.S. Government.

You’ve seen the games—the ticky-tack fouls, the primadonna superstars, the lack of head injuries. NBA players are the softest professional athletes anywhere. But fret not, we have an easy fix: add power plays to basketball and let players beat the shit out of each other.

Basketball has no grit. The lack of physicality is pathetic. And, the lack of repercussions for bad actors is as nausea-inducing as watching rich parents “discipline” their kids. How about when a player fouls somebody, they have to sit out and the other team gets a 5 on 4 that will last for two minutes or until they score. That’ll teach you not to go over-the-back.

And if you must foul, instead of a mild reach-in, why not just throw a punch to the fucking face? Draymond Green talking too much shit? Grab his jersey and push his nose into the back of his skull until one of you falls to the ground. Then sit in the box we’ve added across from the bench for five minutes and revel in the glory that comes from dropping your mitts. You’ll be wearing mitts by the way.

There’s also too many points in basketball. Where’s the challenge? Make those nets shorter and wider, then try to break 100, superstar. Basketball players are the tallest, most athletic guys in the world except for maybe three NFL players. And yet, they display their talents on hardwood? Slap some knives to your feet, uncover the frozen Atlantis beneath the hardwood, and put on a real show, why don’t ya?

Seriously. 

Oh, and how long’s it been since a basketball player suffered a severe spinal cord injury? Too long.