The NCAA has given the world this spring a so-called “elite eight,” despite none of the utterly pathetic eight having been accepted into Harvard (like I was in 1987), which is, of course, the only institution for which the designation of “elite” is acceptable.

Call me an “elitist” all you want (and you actually can, since I went to Harvard), but only Harvard and Harvardians like me should be the subject of that word. Lord knows, if I heard a Yalie say it, I — a respectable Harvard alum — would be required to spit in his or her unwashed face. 

If these eight wanted to go to Harvard (as this author did), they should have studied more, gotten a tutor, or been born a legacy (like my dad, my dad’s dad, and I were), instead of playing whatever sad game it is these eight are playing without the assistance of horses or oars.

Perhaps if the Kennedys went to Baylor, or if Gonzaga clerked for a Supreme Court judge, or if San Diego State was Malia Obama, I might tune into CBS during fiscal quarter one to watch these “elite” eight do whatever it is they are doing, instead of donating new wings to my alma mater (Harvard) in honor of my nephew’s acceptance.

But until then the “elite eight” are: Harvard Med School, Harvard Law School, Harvard Business School, Harvard Divinity School, Harvard Undergrad, Good Will Hunting, Facebook, the Unabomber (pre-bombs), and Natalie Portman.

Sporting a sick NBA jersey to a funeral? Talk about a great way to turn some tears into high-fives. 

Here are the five most iconic threads you can style while chopping it up with friends and loved ones about the life and times of the dearly departed:

5) Shareef Abdur-Rahim – 1997 Vancouver Grizzlies Road Uniform: Talk about a great way to brighten up a dark day with the torquiest tank and the revolutionary patterned trimming around  the collar and edges. When your newly deceased comrade arrives at the pearly gates the first thing Saint Peter will say is, “You got some friends with style, homeboy. You’re in.”

4) Stephen Jackson – 2004 Indiana Pacers Road Uniform: What a great way to say you always got a person’s back than to wear the jersey of the guy who stormed the stands and helped defend Ron Artest against the whole city of Detroit?

3) David Robinson – 1999 San Antonio Spurs Road Uniform: Not only does this allow you to wear formal black attire, it also in a way helps provide a military presence at the funeral. For all you youngsters out there, they didn’t call Robinson “The Admiral” because he was tall and everyone looked up to him. 

2) Wes Unseld – 1978 Washington Bullets Throwback Uniform: This makes total sense if the person died from a gunshot wound. Come to think about it… what if they died from a wizard? Then you could wear a Gilbert Arenas jersey! Or what about from heat exhaustion? Then you could wear an Alonzo Mourning Heat jersey! Or do you wear the Charles Barkley Suns jersey? We don’t know… but the possibilities are endless.

1) Michael Jordan – 1992 USA Olympic White Uniform: “USA! USA! USA!” That’s what you’ll be chanting for your great American friend or relative while dawning the Jordan Olympic-number-9. Let this person be The GOAT on your Dream Team of guardian angels from here on out.

Phoenix Suns GM James Jones held a press conference today to address rumors that the Suns might be departing the city, and known universe, in five billion years.

“The Suns aren’t going anywhere anytime soon,” Jones said evasively of the 52-year-old franchise and producers of 3.8 x 1033 ergs of power-per-second. “The team is in its most stable phase since its inception roughly 4.5 billion years ago. And we have lots of energy left to burn, as the league found out last year—200 32 -grams-of-hydrogen worth!”

Though Jones’ words failed to clarify the team’s long-term goals, they did shed light on the team’s near future. “You can plan on the Suns expanding 256 times its current size, which is already one million times the size of the Earth, at which point you’ll witness the absorption of all nearby planets, planetary objects, and NBA teams,” Jones said, before adding, “we have a bright, blazingly intense future ahead of us.”

Sports scientists, however, warn this strategy can only lead to a spectacular burnout. “If the Suns get too big, the immense pressure will cause an internal collapse, leaving in its wake a white dwarf—and I’m not talking about J.J. Barea,” said Phoenix physicist Robert Sotelo.

Regardless, fans remain optimistic about the coming season in spite of recent news that promising young center Deandre Ayton has gone supernova and exploded.

Staff and patrons alike were shocked on Tuesday when Shaquille O’Neal completely tore down the backboard of a toilet while going for two. “I was serving biscuits when I heard the loudest crash. I didn’t even know those could break!” said shift manager Kaylee Winters, noting that the toilets were built to withstand up to 300 pounds. 

The incident occurred after Shaq went for 28 fried shrimp in the first half of his meal, then deftly maneuvered past guests waiting to use the toilet. “Listen, I didn’t want to commit a party foul so I drove straight to the hole,” said O’Neal, while a bathroom attendant came in and swept the floor. “When I’m in the zone, I’m only thinking about slamming it in there.”

“They don’t build bathrooms for someone that strong. He’ll ruin the game if he keeps playing that way,” said the men’s bathroom attendant, speculating that he needs triple-ply toilet paper. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.” 

While O’Neal left a generous tip, some at Red Lobster corporate are saying that Shaq should be made to pay for these shattered toilets, noting that this was the third such incident, after destroying facilities in New Jersey earlier this LobsterFest season. “One time the stall even came down,” said a rep from their corporate office, who says he’s still a fan. “They might allow you to get away with stuff like this in LA, but it won’t fly in Orlando.”

During last night’s game, Clippers guard Patrick Beverly’s oddly impersonal trash talk reportedly confused his Lakers opponents. “After missing a basket, he shouted ‘someone out here’s a mother****er,’” commented Markieff Morris, adding, “so I said, ‘hey you don’t call me or anyone else a mother****er…not Rondo?..Lebron? no, not Lebron either…Davis? Um…just…shut the f*** up.’”

The enigmatic trash talk continued throughout the game as he yelled ‘arthritis!’ at the Lakers’ entire bench followed by a 10-second unblinking stare down followed by another “arthritis!” “Did he mean we are an old team? Like all of us?” Kyle Kuzma questioned aloud. “I mean, I’m only 25. Do I look old? Do I have crow’s feet? Do we all have crow’s feet? All of us? What the f***?”

The trash talk apparently worked as the Lakers befuddled starters spent their last timeout creating a flowchart to decipher what, “Charlie don’t take two cinnamons for breakfast, Bea Arthur,” could possibly mean.

After the win, Beverly walked off the court smirking and telling Anthony Davis he, “at one time or another had sex with a mother of children,” but did not specify if he meant Mrs. Davis or if it was just a random statement about his sexual exploits.

A particularly firm pregame handshake from Denver’s Nikola Jokic left LeBron James writhing in pain on the floor of the Staples Center last Saturday, causing a five-minute game delay as medical staff rushed to the superstar’s aid.

Witnesses say James shouted “My hand! My hand!” through stifled tears while his personal medical team directed an ambulance straight onto the court. From there, LeBron was placed on a stretcher in front of concerned teammates and media personnel.  

“We felt helpless on the sidelines,” reporter Ramona Shelburne told reporters. “We media people immediately formed a prayer circle and begged the Lord for LeBron’s speedy recovery. Just like we do every other time this happens.”

While spectators joined the pleas for divine intervention, LeBron could be heard begging anyone who would listen to take this new injury into account when evaluating his legacy against Michael Jordan’s. “This is worse than any flu, right? We know MJ could never come back from something like this. Don’t forget the time I had cramps in the Finals, either,” James said while coach Frank Vogel was seen gently stroking LeBron’s head.

Luckily, the medical helicopter that arrived to airlift LeBron to the nearest hospital was called off after the Lakers forward miraculously gathered enough hand-strength to give the crowd a thumbs up.

Though LeBron somehow managed to play the rest of the game, the Lakers’ subsequent loss to the Nuggets was overturned by Commissioner Adam Silver, who announced Denver was automatically disqualified from the series for a disturbing lack of sportsmanship. Silver also credited 80 points to LeBron before postponing the remainder of the season until the four-time MVP fully recovers from the injury. 

LeBron is life, LeBron is basketball, and it’s said that wherever two or more people are gathered in his name, LeBron is with them. But is it really possible to define or even “locate” LeBron James? We’re going to do the hard work for you: Here are the top thirty NBA teams ranked by how many LeBron Jameses they have.

1. The Cavs                                                                                     

The Cavs have had many LeBrons, thin-bearded LeBrons, fuzzy-bearded LeBrons, long-bearded LeBrons, bald-faced LeBrons — all the way back to when he was a kid, cheering them on at Gund Arena. LeBron will always be in the Cavs’ hearts, despite those hearts being broken from his absence. 

2. The Bulls

The Bulls don’t really have LeBron, but back in the day they had a guy named Michael Jordan who historians say may have been the LeBron of his time.  

3. The Heat

Had him, lost him…still got him? Sorry – this Miami club is too loud for us to think!

4. The Cavaliers

Different from the Cavs and are LeBron-less. If you know, you know. 

5. The Pacers

Wouldn’t LeBron look great in blue and gold? Indiana thinks so. (Is it possible they already have LeBron? Is that why they’re not in the playoffs?)

6. The Jacksonville Jaguars

People say that if LeBron weren’t in the NBA, he’d make a terrific tight end. Let’s put it to the super-test with Jacksonville. Also: Lawrence to the Lakers.

8. The Tune Squad

LeBron carrying a team of undisciplined Looney Tunes in Hollywood? What is this, the Lakers?

9. The L.A. Kings

LeBron will likely never play for the Kings. Still, they share an arena, so we’ll give them one LeBron.

      10–29. Several Teams

Because isn’t LeBron James “America’s team” wherever he is? Can’t we all lay claim to him? Rumor has it that LeBron will suit up for any team photo in the U.S., abroad, or space (of course) as long as they give him two days’ notice. And if he returns to L.A. exhausted, no problem — he’ll sit out!

30. The Lakers

Nah — not if Russell Westbrook is there.

Some fans call him soft. Others, like Twitter user @DevinKurant argue he’s the greatest of all time. Since the superstar forward has lacked elite talent around him throughout his career, with the exception of Steph Curry, Klay Thompson, Russell Westbrook, James Harden twice, and Kyrie Irving, we may never find out what his true ceiling is. But what if, by some stroke of luck, Kevin Durant was suddenly surrounded by five Hall of Famers?

Think of the damage he could do if those Warriors teams also had Kawhi Leonard and Anthony Davis. How would you defend against that team? How would you score on them? If those guys had all played together for their entire careers, how many rings would they have? At least five or six. Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen won six rings together. But imagine if Jordan had five Scottie Pippens. That’s like, 30 rings. 

Can Durant recruit five more Hall of Famers to help take him over the top again? Or will the sun set on his career before he can team up with LeBron, Giannis, Jokic, and Luka on the Suns? Only time will tell. Until then, Durant will just have to live with the fact that Danny Green has more championships than him and is therefore the superior player.

He may be looking thinner and paler than he once did, but as he hobbles the length of the court on Rhode Island Tech’s storied Providence campus, you wouldn’t know head coach Doug Horner had anything on his mind but his team’s abysmal performance, as he stoically watches them lose yet another game.

Yes, longtime RI Tech fans are aware of the 63-year-old’s longtime battle with pancreatic, ear and testicular cancers, but as they sit there in the stands, they’ll be the first to tell you the tears they’re shedding are not for their team’s stalwart, lesion-covered leader, but merely because the team just committed their third consecutive backcourt violation.

“Doug’s been absolutely amazing throughout all of this,” said University president Marcia Ackerman, who mentioned Horner had gone to practice every day that week with a smile on his face, although she acknowledged this may have just been lingering facial paralysis caused by his last major stroke. “I begged him to stay home last month when he contracted amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, but he looked me dead in the eyes and said, ‘No, Marcia; if I’m dying, I’m gonna die while neglecting to strategically double team Seton Hall’s star player and blowing a twenty-point lead.’”

Providence itself has even rallied behind Horner as he heroically trudges from blowout to blowout, with the city’s mayor recently presenting the terminal 66-year-old with an honorary pendant inscribed with “25-5,” signifying the team’s previous year 0-25 record, and the five types of mesothelioma he currently has.

Coach Horner himself has also indicated he has no intention of slowing down. “My body may be quitting on me, but that’s not going to stop me from watching my team quit on me, too,” said the hero coach. “I told those kids up until the moment they physically put me in a grave, I’ll always have one more fight in me to lose.”

Horner is planning to travel with his boys next week to watch all the better teams that beat them play in the National Invitational Tournament. But if you’re worried there’s a chance the coach’s prognoses will finally catch up with him, don’t worry: he always loses.

A study out of the Women’s Hysteria Institute has found that the seasonal madness afflicting women during the March NCAA basketball tournament is not, as has long been assumed, due to chemical delicacy of the female brain but is rather the result of “March Gaslighting” perpetrated by men.

The study defines “March Gaslighting” as the tendency of men to lead women to doubt how they filled out their NCAA brackets, resulting in women questioning their own senses of reality. The practice also often results in women being committed to mental hospitals.

“March Gaslighting is especially common in the workplace,” said the study’s lead scientist Dr. Madeline Murray. “Men feel emasculated at the thought of their brackets busting worse than their female colleagues. They often feel this is a direct reflection on the size of their genitalia.”

To settle their own insecurities, Dr. Murray says men often engage in sabotage. “One study participant threw away his wife’s bracket after losing his second Final Four team before the Sweet Sixteen. Another participant told his daughter that Gonzaga was a type of cheese and not a real university,” Dr. Murray said, before adding that the majority of participants “simply convince women the tournament is a figment of their imagination altogether.”

As a result, nearly 15% of female basketball fans are institutionalized during the tournament while another 35% are forced onto heavy psychoactive medications.

Asked whether similar phenomena occur in other sports, Dr. Murray responded, “Well, there was that time Babe Ruth bribed a doctor to give the woman who struck him out a lobotomy in 1931.”

Though I’ll spend hours crunching data, conducting polls, and watching game tape during the NCAA tournament this March, I can guaran-damn-tee you I’m not going to waste any time participating in the democratic process this November.

After all, why spin my wheels on two boring teams when I could be researching 68 super-exciting, super-sweaty teams? Why let my vote be a drop in the bucket when I can have complete and utter control of my bracket? Maybe if the clowns in Washington got Dick Vitale to moderate a debate, or if elections had cheerleaders or marching bands, I’d be all in. Heck, I’d be the first one making reservations at Buffalo Wild Wings to watch.

And who knows, maybe if those politicians could come up with an economic play to turn my $20 into $2,000 dollars like Gonzaga or Duke can, I’d reconsider. But let’s be honest, those fat cats in D.C. only care about their own money, unlike the NCAA.

The last time I voted was in 2016. It was the same year I correctly predicted Villanova coming from out of nowhere to beat the Tar Heels. I mean, which one of those activities turned out better for me and society? So no, I’m not looking into senators or comparing their platforms or keeping up-to-date on all their sexual misconduct charges. I’m spending three hours every day analyzing Syracuse’s zone defense.

And most importantly, any person in the U.S. can fill out a bracket. What’s more American than that? It’s unlike the election this November, where I’m not even allowed to vote this time on account of my felonies.

Many a professional basketball player has woken up in a cold sweat dreaming of the nightmare that getting gentle finger-rolled on is. Getting posterized by a world-class athlete who opts for a gentle touch instead of brute force is not just demeaning, but also emotionally traumatic. Here is Sports Riot’s list of the Top five sickest, in-your-face, no-coming-back-from-that gentle finger-rolls of all time:

5. Gary Payton’s “Double Butterfly”

Gary “the Glove” Payton wasn’t just known for his defense. He also had the ability to throw down a finger-roll as ridiculous and confrontational as it was disrespectful. The “double butterfly” aka “throwin’ a dub” has sent countless defenders to seek counseling.

4. John Stockton’s “Floating Tissue”

Referred to as the “floating tissue” for the soft, meandering way it dropped through the net, Stockton threw down a straight-up showstopper in Ron Harper’s face during the ’98 Finals.

3. Shaquille O’Neal’s “Backboard Kisser”

Could Shaq have slammed it home and shattered the glass? Sure. Did he? No. In 1994 against the Rockets, Mr. O’Neal subtly kissed the ball against the backboard after releasing it from his finger’s sensual embrace. With the deftest of touches, “Big Diesel” did the nasty on a wide open breakaway.

2. MJ’s Half-Court 360 Reverse Finger-Roll

You didn’t think that last scene in Space Jam wasn’t based on reality did you? In 1990, his Airness launched from half-court, completed a full rotation in Byron Scott’s face, and lobbed up an underhand layup for three points.

1. Magic Johnson’s “Dream Team Surprise”

It wouldn’t be a list of God damn finger-rolls without Magic fucking Johnson. During the ‘92 Games, Magic couldn’t help himself and dominated Dembe Akello with a sweet lil’ nothing of a layup from two feet away. Who is Dembe Akello you ask? Well, he used to play for Uganda until he was humiliated on an international scale. He never recovered from that shot. He tore his achilles, his wife left him, and was ostracized from the community.

Well there you have it. Stay tuned for next week’s list of Top Five bloodiest Little League World Series brawls

So, the Knicks aren’t having a great season and are dragging to the finish line, despite what they managed to accomplish last year. And while this has turned off some fans, it hasn’t been enough to stop famed director Spike Lee from sitting court-side at every home game. That means if we want another ‘Malcolm X,’ ‘Do The Right Thing,’ or—hell—even some funky Air Jordan commercials in the next 10 years, then the Knicks sure as shit better tank the rest of this season.

Yes, we know it’s a foregone conclusion that Spike will show up to Madison Square Garden no matter how the team is doing. But in the past, when the team has been bad enough, Spike has expended less creative energy on trash talking court-side and more effort on filmmaking. In fact, he wrote and storyboarded the entirety of ‘Blackkklansman,’ in the arena during the Knicks’ 31-57 season in 2017. Many critics believe that if the Knicks had been just a little worse that year, he would have won the Oscar.

Spike had a similar slump during the late ‘90s when the Knicks were uncharacteristically competent. If you recall, while the Knicks made it to the Finals, Lee was bombing at the box office with ‘Summer of Sam’ and ‘Get On The Bus.’ That’s right, two films so forgettable, you had to check his IMDB to make sure we weren’t making those up.

So please, Knicks, your season is a lost cause regardless, why not simply fake injuries to sit out the rest of the season for the sake of Spike Lee’s artistic integrity and the very soul of this nation? The Lakers rose to the challenge for Jack Nicholson in 1974 by having one of their worst seasons so he could make ‘Chinatown.’ Then they got selfish in 1990 and Nicholson put out the sequel, ‘The Two Jakes.’ Please learn from the tragedies of history.

Emerging evidence suggests that symptoms of the illness commonly known as ‘March Madness’ (martius insanus) may have been present in the U.S. as early as November 2021, according to NCAA psychiatrists.

While experts debate whether the first case originated with mascots before making the jump to humans (known as spikonic transmission due to the virus resembling the Gonzaga bulldog “Spike”) or leaked from a Duke University research lab, it’s widely accepted the disease likely arose in November 2021 and that uncovering its source is essential toward preventing future outbreaks.

“This is a serious epidemic,” says NCAA’s chief psychiatrist Advika Khatri. “One hesitates to call it a pandemic, but, if things continue to spread at their current rate, especially with Davidson getting hot right now, we are prepared to consider it a global threat.”

Symptoms include:

• Changing of skin color to orange, green, blue, or blue with white stripes
• Discordant cosplay
• Elongated index fingers
• Raising of the arms synchronously in crowds of people
• Confused elation
• Depression
• Gambling away your life savings

Khatri noted that the elimination of one’s favorite team often has little effect on domestic cases, as those afflicted with the illness move on quickly to new and loud talk of how their bracket was going so well “up until this past week.”

“If you encounter any individuals displaying these symptoms, evidence shows that earplugs and noise-canceling headphones may decrease your odds of getting infected,” Khatri advised.

Despite the NCAA’s warnings, many conferences, such as the SEC, the Big South, and the Southern Conference, refuse to see March Madness as a threat and tend to downplay or even refute its existence.

Despite Ben Simmons having left the Philadelphia 76ers standard Philly tradition consists of dozens upon dozens of death threats per week, until death. Except for one, thoughtful, wise, and one of a kind fan.

Lifelong fan Lewis Cerullo has decided to cut back to one heinous, rage-fueled letter each week out of a newfound empathy for the Sixers star. “I just became a father,” Cerullo told his followers on Instagram. “I wouldn’t want my son receiving hundreds of death threats — even if he wasn’t living up to his draft potential, shrinking at the end of big games, choking on the foul line, or sitting on the bench all season like a candyass crybaby. Only a handful of credible threats to his life would be appropriate.”

Cerullo says that his threats now also lack the punch of his peers’ letters. “Whereas your typical threat would be a 2- or 3-paged affair with serial-killer scribbles and diagrams, I try to limit mine to 100 words or less,” Cerullo’s post said. “And if I do a drawing, it’s usually a stick figure with X-es on the eyes and the label ‘die bitch.’ After all, I’m a dad now.”

Cerullo went on to say he used to send at least several threats a day during the week — and more on weekends. To him, telling Ben Simmons to die in a plane crash or drink bleach used to be as ritualistic as his morning beer. But now he sees such behavior as the folly of an irresponsible bachelor.

“I have to look my baby son in the eyes. And I don’t want him seeing his pops as the kind of guy who tells Ben Simmons to get skull-fucked by Ben Franklin’s ghost every single day,” Cerullo wrote. “You can’t do that as a parent. Not if you want to raise a good man in this world. You have to temper your death threats.”

Although Cerullo is content with his new perspective, commenters seemed to universally disapprove, with many Philadelphians adding Cerullo and his infant son to their weekly death threat portfolio.

As a lifelong Bucks fan, I’ve witnessed amazing things — from Kareem’s skyhook in double overtime of the finals in ’74 to Giannis securing us our first championship in 50 years. But believe me when I tell you that nothing — absolutely NOTHING — compares to the front office’s divinely inspired, unparalleled genius idea to let us watch two Milwaukee public elementary schools duke it out at halftime. 

Holy Little-League-Reject Christ, how blessed I am to bear witness to the ecstatic joys and cataclysmic pitfalls that come from watching clueless, asthmatic gingers brick the ball directly under the rim. I mean, did I win the ‘Luckiest Man of the Year’ award or something? 

Get lost, you professional cheerleaders with your New-York-10 sex appeal and skillfully choreographed dance routines — make way for Jackson the underdeveloped third grader! He’s about to trip over his untied laces and scream-cry in an octave that’ll make half of Milwaukee’s stray dog population start clawing at the entrance gate! 

God almighty, this is some 2000s-American-Idol-level entertainment. Someone tell TNT to cut back from commercial, I’m pretty sure it’s about to be 2-0. Only took the uncoordinated little shits five minutes.

Do we think they do this to try and sell more alcohol? Because after that reach-in foul call caused one of them to pee his shorts, I swear I blinked and my 24-ounce Miller drained itself. 

Oh, good: the coach called a timeout. Yeah, take your time, pal. I bet you’re drawing up another brilliant scheme where they all run directly under the basket while not even paying attention to where the fucking ball is. I can’t believe I get to see nine whole more minutes of this breathtaking goddamn Game of the Century!

Eh, you know what? I’m five beers in now and I gotta admit: At least these kids don’t flop.

In what onlookers all agreed was a completely understandable display of psychological projection, local Grinnell College sophomore Bryce Hargreaves was clearly thinking of his overbearing father when he violently shoved his opponent into the sidelines.

“I was gonna eject the kid, but as soon as I heard him scream, ‘Stop telling me not to follow my dreams!’ and saw he was crying, I knew what this was really about,” said local referee Ed Sydell. “I figured a Technical would send the message that — while we clearly all care about what Bryce is going through — he can’t just use another student’s body as a symbolic receptacle of his rage at the cosmic injustice of his domestic life like that.”

Even the victim of Hargreaves’ outburst, Knox College’s Michael Stanton, stressed no hard feelings following the incident.

“Hey, my dad’s a piece of shit too, so I totally get it,” said Stanton, who noted that the 15 stitches he had required when the side of his head hit the announcers’ table felt like nothing compared to the years of unspoken emotional neglect he had witnessed brimming behind Hargreaves’ deadened, downcast eyes.

According to witnesses, Bryce’s father, Scott Hargreaves, was in attendance and had spent the majority of the first two quarters yelling that his older brother would have no trouble making the shots Bryce missed. The technical itself occurred shortly after a visibly inebriated Scott implied his son’s desire to study music instead of getting a business degree may have been what “finally finished off” Bryce’s deceased mother, Ellen, the previous year.

Following the technical foul, the Grinnell player played for eight more minutes, where he amassed 9 points, 4 assists, and one well-connected punch to the opposing team’s coach that finally made his dad proud.