Articles

Pete Carroll Thinking About Taking Year Off Of NFL To Coach At North Carolina And Fuck 24-Year-Olds
After an unsuccessful year in Las Vegas, Pete Carroll’s brief tenure as the Raiders head coach has ended. However after a long and storied career in the NFL, Carroll is

Revealed: Aaron Rodgers Contract To Be Paid Entirely In Attention
In a groundbreaking contract restructuring, the Steelers have agreed to Aaron Rodgers’ terms that he be paid entirely in attention. While this is an NFL first, nobody in the organization

Fuck: We Just Asked Aaron Rodgers A Question And Now He’s Reflecting
Okay, so this one’s probably on us. Everyone knows the first rule of journalism is “Never ask Aaron Rodgers a question.” Well, we did and — holy shit — he’s

We Got The Chance To Talk With Andy Dalton And Politely Declined
Last Sunday, after a long day of insider reporting, all we wanted was a relaxing cup of coffee. We were in line at a Starbucks at the Wayfield Mall in

Experts Weigh In: Is This Finally The Year Ohio State and Michigan Just Fuck Already?
For over 125 years, Ohio State and Michigan have been dragging out the game of “will they, won’t they.” Now, the generation-spanning question is finally reaching its climax — can

An Apology From Our Editors: The “Point Spread” Is Not In The Kama Sutra
In early Spring of 2017, Sports Riot unfortunately published a piece about gambling in which the “Point Spread” was thoroughly detailed as an act of the Kama Sutra. We deeply

Terry Bradshaw MRI Reveals Rare “Bucket Of Chicken Instead of Brain” Disease
After a seemingly normal moment in which Fox NFL Sunday Commentator Terry Bradshaw was asked if the Carolina Panthers could win the NFC South and proceeded to go on a

Jaguars Fan Being Awfully Smug For Someone Whose Van Was Just Repossessed
Local Jaguars fan Randy C. was in unusually high spirits Tuesday afternoon despite arriving at an Arby’s on a bicycle, shirtless, shoeless, and visibly missing a van that had been

Bears Fan Who Bet On Team’s Success Warned Not To Blow It All On One Artery
With the Chicago Bears currently leading the NFC North, no one could have predicted their rapid ascension; No one, that is, except for Bears superfan Bob Dabrowski, who stands to

Browns’ Stadium Introduces Two-Drink Minimum
In a move stadium officials are calling “long overdue,” the Browns announced Thursday that all fans entering Huntington Bank Field will now be subject to a mandatory 2-drink minimum, explaining

Belichick Vows Deep Introspection On Season’s Failures Between Rounds Of Old Man Sex With Girlfriend
North Carolina Head Coach Bill Belichick has not been sitting easy with an unexpectedly dismal 4-8 season record. In classic Belichick fashion, he promised to review the film, meet with

Caitlin Clark Named Indianapolis Colts Starting Quarterback
The Indianapolis Colts have made a bold choice. They’ve decided to bench signal caller Philip Rivers in favor of Indiana Fever guard Caitlin Clark. “She just wanted it more,” said

Dad Deftly Reroutes Family Therapy Into Eagles Trivia Night
Sitting in a warmly lit therapist’s office surrounded by his family, Philadelphia-area father John “Jawn” Shaffer utilized his grasp on the talking stick and accompanying sole power to speak by
