Articles

America Decides: Gritty Overwhelmingly Wins Nevada Primary
In an unprecedented turn of events, Philadelphia Flyer mascot “Gritty” swept the Nevada primaries this past week to earn the state’s nomination for both Republican and Democratic parties in what

Long Live The King: Gym Teacher Wows Class By Dunking On 9-Foot Hoop
Second-grade students ran wild in disbelief after seeing legendary gym teacher Mr. Salisbury put on an unforgettable spectacle by jamming home a towering, show-stopping nine-foot dunk during this morning’s gym

Hear Us Out: NASCAR Kids
NASCAR got its start in the early days of bootleggin’ moonshine across state lines, but not much has changed since then. It’s still all just men driving in fast cars.

‘Icing’ And Three Other Hockey Penalties Named After Cake
As all hockey fans and Canadians are aware, Lord Stanley, after whom the NHL’s infamous championship trophy was affectionately named, was not only a steward of the game and a

Tennis Ball Boy Promoted To Junior Financial Advisor
Owing to his bland demeanor, lack of artistic aspirations, and surprising absence of Jewish heritage, local Burning Tree Country Club ball boy, Fletcher Mallison, 22, was promoted Sunday to Junior

Opinion: Goalies Should Have Access To A Crossbow
Growing up a young lad in Regina, Saskatchewan, hockey has always been in my blood. But what I noticed today from the comfort of my couch while watching Hockey Night

Bleak U.S. Health Report Concludes America Should Have Better Sumo Wrestling Team
A damning new report released today by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention concludes that despite being the most qualified nation on earth, America continues to lag behind other

Disappointing: These Power Rankings Are About Hockey
Every hardcore fan loves a methodically calculated set of power rankings, and it is with the deepest regret that we announce these power rankings are about hockey. It’s obviously disappointing

Report: Rub Dirt On It
Breaking news out of the world of sports medicine; it is being reported that rather than laying there crying about being injured, athletes should instead rub some dirt on it

The Best Martial Arts For Pregnant Women
With babies in their wombs, pregnant women are much larger targets for all attackers—from common muggers to hordes of embittered, machete-wielding samurai Nazis. To defend themselves and their lineage, martial

Hear Us Out: Shut the Fuck Up When I’m Yelling At My Son About Sports
Hey folks, Jimmy LaRue here. I’m 47 years old, a small business owner, and above all, a devoted father. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. That’s

Jeff Bezos Acquires Sports
In a press conference on Thursday, entrepreneurial billionaire and executive chairman of Amazon Jeff Bezos announced a sweeping new venture, reaching a deal with the heads of every single professional,

IOC Punishes Athlete For Not Using Right Kind Of Drugs
Following the suspension of a top olympic athlete for not using the right kind of drugs, the IOC is now speaking out and defending the decision by citing the many
