LESSER SPORTS

“We’re going to outperform Qatar in the 2034 World Cup.”
–Saudi Arabia, on the amount of human rights violations they hope to commit

“I’d watch them for hours as a kid. They were my greatest inspiration.”
–Simone Biles, on Auntie Anne’s Pretzels

Report: Most Americans Under 30 Don’t Believe the 1980 Miracle on Ice Happened Without Any Gay Sex
Olympic historians are now facing a “cock-ophany” of naysayers. A recent study has revealed the majority of Gen Z believes the Cold War hockey phenomenon “Miracle on Ice” could not

Pathetic: No One On Women’s Olympic Hockey Team Can Dunk
Team USA officials confirmed Monday that not a single player on the U.S. women’s Olympic hockey roster can dunk a basketball, a revelation some analysts immediately described as “a devastating

Trump Bans Biathletes
With the stroke of his pen, President Trump has changed the identity of the Olympics forever. Flanked by members of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Trump signed an executive order

Fans Hoping Jake Paul Fights Cancer Next
The meteoric rise of Jake Paul, YouTuber turned professional fighter, has been marked by wins against many of the sports’ most decorated first-timers. Now fans are clamoring for Paul to

FIFA Peace Prize Modeled After Hands Of Workers Who Died Building Qatar Soccer Stadiums
Following President Donald Trump’s reception of the inaugural FIFA Peace Prize, new information has revealed the trophy to be modeled after the hands of the thousands of migrant workers who

Veteran Who Survived Normandy Invasion Booed For Not Understanding Bongo Cam
A sold-out crowd at UBS Arena turned hostile Saturday night after 98-year-old World War II veteran Harold “Bud” Minter failed to participate in the Islanders’ beloved Bongo Cam, a lighthearted

Jeffrey Epstein’s Number To Be Retired By Nashville Predators
In Nashville on Friday, in a ceremony long anticipated by the Predator community, Jeffrey Epstein had his jersey number retired forever cementing him in Predator fans hearts and on all-time

Trump Reminds Foreign Tennis Stars ‘U.S. Open’ Just The Name Of The Tournament
Donald Trump clarified today that the U.S. Open is exactly what it sounds like: a tennis tournament. Nothing more, nothing less. Speaking to reporters outside the White House, Trump reminded






