Oh Goddam It: Ironman Contender Accidentally Left Bike All The Way Out In Middle Of Ocean
Furiously and repeatedly asking himself if he really just fucking did that, Ironman contender and own harshest critic, Ivan Vanhanen, had barely finished removing his wet suit when he realized
Simone Biles Generously Folds Self Into Overhead Bin For Sold-Out Flight
United Flight 447 broke out into cheers Thursday when four-time Olympic gold medalist Simone Biles generously gave up her seat on the overbooked flight and instead folded herself into the
Pro Skater Invents Sick New Way To Rupture Spleen
Not since Tony Hawk blew away the skating world in 1999 when he debuted the craziest way to shatter your ankle has the pro skating world seen such an important
National League Pitcher Hoping This Cy Young Award Will Make Up For All Those Times He Grounded Out
Citing terrible defense, horrendous pitching, and safety issues; the entirety of cardboard fans in attendance at today’s Pirates game exited the PNC Park stands during the seventh inning stretch. After
Sports Returns For On-Hour Reunion Special On ESPN 2
Could there be any better news today? Nearly 14 months after global events forced an abrupt season finale where Golf told close pals Tennis and Billiards that she was pregnant
Batter Needs This Walk To Hit 10,000 Steps
During a mid-game interview, Royals slugger Jose Blanco told on-field reporters that he needed his next at-bat to be a walk or he wouldn’t hit his daily 10,000 step milestone.
Cardboard Pirates Fans Leave Game During 7th Inning Stretch
Citing terrible defense, horrendous pitching, and safety issues; the entirety of cardboard fans in attendance at today’s Pirates game exited the PNC Park stands during the seventh inning stretch. After
Star Hockey Player Tired Of Getting Benched 37 Times A Game
Insisting that his stupid head coach just doesn’t understand the fundamentals of hockey, University of Michigan star forward Aiden Alexander during an postgame interview voiced his displeasure at getting benched
Orphanages Overrun By Calls For Chess Prodigies
Following the popularity of Netflix’s ‘The Queen’s Gambit,’ orphanages around the globe have been flooded with barren and fertile couples alike in search of their own orphan chess prodigy like
