FOOTBALL
“When I fired Bill, he pulled out his hip sword and tried to commit seppuki.”
–Robert Kraft, terminating Bill Belichick
“I don’t own the Cowboys. All of America does! But, yes, I do own all the players.”
–Jerry Jones
“Newports, Hennessy, an eighth, and some good dick.”
–Virginia McCaskey, on what goes on in the owners’ box
Kirk Cousins Throws 17 Interceptions After ‘Doing Own Research’ On Opposing Defense
Vikings fans were dealt a devastating blow on Sunday, as quarterback Kirk Cousins threw 17 interceptions against San Francisco following promises to do his “own research” on the 49ers’ defense.
Washington Commanders Hire Jon Gruden As Head Coach
After only being out of coaching since October 2021, Jon Gruden has landed another NFL head coaching role. According to NFL insiders, in what can only be called the biggest
Do The Lions Have The Best Practice Squad In Detroit?
There’s no better feeling than coming across a hole-in-the-wall restaurant that offers the best food in the city that no one knows about. Except, of course, finding the best practice
Hear Us Out: Term Limits For Quarterbacks
Quarterbacks hold an important position in American society. Far more Americans look to Patrick Mahomes for leadership than George Washington. However, unlike presidents, quarterbacks can serve in their roles indefinitely.
Fuck It: Lions Decide To Keep Playing Season
As the season progresses and the Lions continue to struggle, Detroit Lions head coach Dan Campbell announced Monday during his morning media availability that the team has decided to keep
How To Save Your Sex Life When Your Entire Fantasy Team Is Injured
We’re deep into the NFL season. Your beloved fantasy team has been rocked by injuries and your marriage is falling apart. What do you do? Luckily, we’ve got the guide
5 Bullshit Activities To Do With Your Boring-Ass Family During Your Team’s Bye Week
So it’s your team’s bye week and there’s no excuse not to hang out with your boring-ass family. Yeah, you’d rather be drinking alone in a dark room with a
Fantasy Roster Meticulously Explained To Pillow Girlfriend
Seated on the foot of his twin bed in his apartment on Tuesday, 38-year-old systems analyst and fantasy football enthusiast Andrew Tretter took time out of his schedule to explain