FOOTBALL

“It wasn’t easy growing up with my name, but it could have been a lot worse.”
–Dick Butkus, on his cousin Penis McRimjob

“Gross, talk about virtue signaling.”
–Roger Goodell, on former NFL players donating their brains to science

Do The Tampa Bay Buccaneers Have What It Takes To Have Already Won Super Bowl LV?
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers entered the 2020 season with a great deal of hype. With the additions of Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, and Antonio Brown, among others, expectations in Tampa

Packers Bring In Hostage Negotiator To Speak With Aaron Rodgers
The City of Green Bay’s newly established SWAT team was once again called in by the Packers organization to facilitate communications between the team and quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Created weeks

Anti-Helmet Player Points Out Helmets Don’t Fully Protect Against Concussions
Prominent anti-helmet proponent and former wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, Cole Beasley, caused controversy today after he took to social media to point out helmets don’t fully protect against

Top Five Defenses To Pick Way Too Early In Your Fantasy Football League
We’ve all heard the old adage: offensive players win fantasy matchups, but defenses win fantasy championships. Naturally, if you wait too long, you risk missing out on the defense that

Dallas Cowboys Require Proof Of Vaccine Skepticism To Enter AT&T Stadium
As the 2021 NFL season kicks off and fans flood stadiums to cheer on their favorite team, a certain subset of those fans will have to stay home, as Dallas

Opinion: I Don’t Know If It’s This Jets Game Or These Dick Pills But I’m Ready To Nap
Boy, I sure am tired. It feels like a wave of exhaustion is just washing over me. I don’t know if it’s this Jets game or these dick pills, but

Top 5 Running Backs We Wish Were Marshawn Lynch
The NFL hasn’t been the same since Beast Mode walked away, leaving a Marshawn-Lynch-sized hole in the place where our hearts used to be. Here are five running backs we at

It’s Modern Times: Why Can’t I Inject The NFL Season Into My Brain?
Look, we live IN the future. Just today, I had a new lawnmower delivered and watched the birth of my grandchild on an iPad, so someone needs to tell me






