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“It wasn’t easy growing up with my name, but it could have been a lot worse.”
–Dick Butkus, on his cousin Penis McRimjob

“Gross, talk about virtue signaling.”
–Roger Goodell, on former NFL players donating their brains to science

Top Five Defenses To Pick Way Too Early In Your Fantasy Football League
We’ve all heard the old adage: offensive players win fantasy matchups, but defenses win fantasy championships. Naturally, if you wait too long, you risk missing out on the defense that

Dallas Cowboys Require Proof Of Vaccine Skepticism To Enter AT&T Stadium
As the 2021 NFL season kicks off and fans flood stadiums to cheer on their favorite team, a certain subset of those fans will have to stay home, as Dallas

Opinion: I Don’t Know If It’s This Jets Game Or These Dick Pills But I’m Ready To Nap
Boy, I sure am tired. It feels like a wave of exhaustion is just washing over me. I don’t know if it’s this Jets game or these dick pills, but

Top 5 Running Backs We Wish Were Marshawn Lynch
The NFL hasn’t been the same since Beast Mode walked away, leaving a Marshawn-Lynch-sized hole in the place where our hearts used to be. Here are five running backs we at

It’s Modern Times: Why Can’t I Inject The NFL Season Into My Brain?
Look, we live IN the future. Just today, I had a new lawnmower delivered and watched the birth of my grandchild on an iPad, so someone needs to tell me

10 Fantasy Quarterbacks You Simply Must Have Stashed On Your Bench
Marcus Mariota: If Derek Carr injures himself again, Marcus Mariota has all the tools you need to be successful: a jersey number, a helmet, and letters that spell a name.

10 People Who Might Play in the NFL This Year
As NFL teams are faced with tough decisions at the end of training camp, there are clear roster battles unfolding across the league. With multiple GMs on the hot seat,

Tom Brady Hospitalized After Accidentally Ingesting 3 Milligrams Of High Fructose Corn Syrup
In a close call that could have been absolutely catastrophic, Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady was rushed to the Tampa General Hospital emergency room on Thursday after appearing to have






