FOOTBALL

Concussion Protocol Revealed to Just Be Trainer Asking ‘You Alright?’ While Nodding Unconscious Player’s Head

“I watch tons of film. Girl on girl. Asian. Lonely babysitters. Lots and lots of film.”
-Rob Gronkowski

“Do you play for a city that has sauce named after it? I didn’t think so.”
-Josh Allen, trash talking

All Dad’s Friends At Buffalo Wild Wings
Speaking to reporters, local 17-year-old Samantha Niegarten stated that she was shocked on Saturday afternoon to find the entirety of her father Dan Niegarten’s circle of friends camped out around

Odell Beckham Jr. Still Figuring Out What Cosmic Lesson He Has To Learn To Get Out Of Cleveland
In preparation for his next season with the Browns, Odell Beckham Jr. is still figuring out what sins he has committed in the past, and what cosmic lesson he has

Study: ED Medication Not Actually Capable Of Helping You Throw A Football Through A Tire Swing
An alarming new Duke University study has found that erectile dysfunction medications do not help its users throw a football through a tire swing, despite what television commercials for these

Gatorade Announces Return To Original Recipe
Declaring it the greatest advancement in hydration since the invention of bottles, Gatorade held a press conference this Thursday to announce they will be returning to a 100% pure gator

Pretty Cool I Guess: This Guy Who Played On The Bengals For Two Years Is Here To Talk To Your School About Something
In the world of sports journalism, there’s no such thing as a guarantee. Like sports, you’ve got to roll with the punches, or you’ll wind up getting knocked out. That’s

NCAA To Start Paying Players On All Teams Except For Tennessee Volunteers
In a stunning reversal of policy, NCAA President Mark Emmert confirmed on Thursday that the organization will begin compensating collegiate athletes on every team except for the Tennessee Volunteers. “The

Nick Bosa Becomes Self-Aware And Immediately Attacks His Captors
Visitors at Levi’s Stadium yesterday were put on high alert when the San Francisco 49ers returned from their Seattle road game and alpha defensive line specimen, referred to by the

QB Works Through Progression, Realizes He Hates All His Receivers
After receiving the ball from his trustworthy center, quarterback Robert Dixon quickly ran through three sequential receiving options before realizing that he absolutely despises all of his currently open targets.





