FOOTBALL
Breaking: Tua Finally Slides, Ironically Immediately Dies
BREAKING: Tragic news out of Miami, FL today as everyone’s greatest hope – became triumph – became terror, as star Dolphins quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa, finally followed America’s wishes and slid for the first time today in the middle of the third-quarter against the Arizona Cardinals. Unfortunately to the Nation’s dismay, Tua’s legs instantly exploded – […]
Report: Dak Prescott Throws Another Horrible Interception Despite It Being Bye Week
Reports are confirming out of Dallas, TX late yesterday evening the unthinkable: Dak Prescott, last Sunday, somehow threw another terrible interception despite the fact the Cowboys’ had the week off. While many league insiders believe Jerry Jones wanted to suppress the story until now, others are coming to Dak’s defense. “What was thought to be […]
NFL Power Rankings A Real Who’s-Who Of Teams Outside Tennessee
The NFL’s Power Rankings were released by NFL.com earlier today and one team was noticeably left off the list. Thirty-one teams were listed from top to bottom with full analysis as to who, what, and why their ranking status. However, many around Nashville noticed their “no” status. “Our job is to rate NFL teams,” said […]
Cheater Reprimanded And Punished With Better Job, Higher Salary
Can we get that same punishement?! …PLEASE?!!
“I’ll return back to the wicked vortex from whence I came. Lurking. Waiting. Preparing for the emergence of the next ‘one.’ Upon which my form shall return and my reign will be ruthless.”
–Bill Belichick, announcing his departure from the New England Patriots
“I retire the greatest college football coach of all time. Thank you for everything. Also, fuck the Dolphins.”
–Nick Saban, reflecting on his career
Report: If We Can’t Football No More, What Can Do? By: Robert Gronkowski
Football! Now that football gone, does mean gone forever? What are we when football leave? I am football man Robert Gronkowski and I asking: When we can’t football no more,
Report: ESPN NFL Power Rankings List To Enjoy 6 Months Of Wild, Baseless Speculation
ESPN assured fans Monday that, though they won’t see another official down until Labor Day, the network will continue to pump out cutting-edge, unfounded, and downright bizarre guesswork for its
Report: “Elder Abuse” And 5 Other Crimes Travis Kelce Can Get Away With
Travis Kelce is America’s Tight End. He wins Super Bowls, dates starlets, and abuses elders. You love it. We love it. Like – what can’t he do? More importantly —
Unlikely Allies: This Eagles Fan And This Cowboys Fan Just Put Their Differences Aside To Burn Down A Homeless Encampment
In a heartwarming display of burying the hatchet, longtime rival fans of the Philadelphia Eagles and Dallas Cowboys announced that they would be calling a temporary truce in order to
Pretty Cool, We Guess: This Zoo’s Tortoise Has Successfully Predicted 6 Of The Past 57 Super Bowl Winners
Like all of America, the town of Jasper, Indiana is fired up for this year’s Super Bowl. Unlike all of America, it’s because of a tortoise: Johnny U-Tortoise. Every year
Lamar Jackson Has That Dream Again Where He’s In The Stands And Mahomes Goes Down And The Chiefs Need A Quarterback
Speaking to reporters on a Zoom call from the bed where he had just awoken drenched in sweat, Ravens superstar Lamar Jackson confirmed that he had once again had that
Biologists Discover Missing Link Between Humans And Bosas
Researchers at the Ohio State University confirmed they have made a major evolutionary breakthrough in their discovery of the missing link between humans and Bosas. A decade ago, OSU biologist
Can’t Wait: Lions Excited To Return To NFC Championship 33 Years From Now
Still on an all time high from their 34–31 loss to the Niners in January, the Detroit Lions returned home to a parade thrown by the city. The Lions and
