FOOTBALL
“…Why are you all flinching every time I talk to you?”
–Kalen DeBoer, at his first pep talk with Alabama players
“If you die in this game, you die in real life!”
–Rob Gronkowski, warning children about football
“Fuck yeah, you know that makes my shit REAL wet.”
–Virginia McCaskey, on Caleb Williams’ performance
“If it’s mandatory, I don’t do it.”
–Aaron Rodgers, on mini camp, vaccines, and sober brain function
Sources: The Busts At Canton Come Alive At Night And They Won’t Stop Using Racial Slurs
Officials at the Pro Football Hall of Fame are investigating a bizarre phenomenon in which bronze busts of former NFL legends appear to come alive after hours—and IMMEDIATELY begin shouting
RFK Jr. Calling On NFL To Ban Helmets In Favor Of Locally Sourced Organic Ingredients
Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. called for a top-down ban on football helmets Wednesday, saying there was no proof that such “head-inoculations” protect players from
Jim Harbaugh Shows Team What It Means To Be A Charger By Hooking Car Battery To Nipples
Standing shirtless in the facility’s parking prior to Friday’s Chiefs/Chargers matchup, Head Coach Jim Harbaugh attached car battery clamps to his nipples in order to demonstrate to his team what
Jordan Hudson’s Relationship Loaded With Incentives And Guaranteed Money
With UNC coach Bill Belichick’s recent acquisition of GF Jordon Hudson, it has been disclosed to Sports Riot that the terms of this relationship will be 7 years and worth
How To Cast Level 5 Magic Spells During Your Fantasy Football Draft
The NFL’s quest for ratings domination has led to a burgeoning fan base of dungeon masters, all excitedly polishing their wands for fantasy football. Newcomers might worry they don’t know
Kevin Stefanski Confident That Browns Will Know Week 1 Starting Quarterback by Week 6
Browns head coach Kevin Stefanski told reporters Monday that, while the season opener is just weeks away, he is “extremely confident” the team will identify its Week 1 starting quarterback
Fantasy Drafter Accused Of Performance Enhancing Sobriety
Fantasy league commissioner confirmed Tuesday that Pittsburgh-area resident Brian Sternik has been participating in drafts completely alcohol-free, a violation of the sacred, unwritten covenant of fantasy football. Competitors insist sobriety
Kirk Cousins Asked To Crouch Behind Gatorade Cooler For Team Photo
Atlanta Falcons Owner Arthur Blank took one look at the 2025 team picture and knew he had fixed the problem. Unlike the 2024 team photo, Kirk Cousins was asked to
