FOOTBALL
“…Why are you all flinching every time I talk to you?”
–Kalen DeBoer, at his first pep talk with Alabama players
“If you die in this game, you die in real life!”
–Rob Gronkowski, warning children about football
“Fuck yeah, you know that makes my shit REAL wet.”
–Virginia McCaskey, on Caleb Williams’ performance
“If it’s mandatory, I don’t do it.”
–Aaron Rodgers, on mini camp, vaccines, and sober brain function
Brian Daboll Punishing Players for Lack of Effort by Making Them Wear Giants Jerseys and Play On Sundays
Since the dawn of time, football and punishment have walked harmoniously hand in hand. Running laps. 1AM scrimmages. Vince Lombardi’s famous guillotine. But then there are times when punishment goes
Win Now: Giants Go All-In With Trade Offer For Colts Stud QB Daniel Jones
The New York Giants might have finally found the missing piece to this season’s puzzle, and it’s not a new defensive end to balance out lineman Dexter Lawrence. Instead they’ve
Dak Prescott Predicts NFC Championship Run, NFL Reviewing Film For Severe Hit To Head
The blue tent is coming out early this year for Cowboys gunslinger Dak Prescott. After announcing to reporters that America’s Team is “primed for a deep playoff run,” the QB
Bears Fan Dies From Either Broken Or Clogged Heart
Last Sunday, Chicago Bears superfan Brian “Jowls” Wishnowski peacefully passed on to that great Lou Malnati’s in the sky. Autopsy results were inconclusive, revealing that the lifelong Soldier Field regular
Conspiracy Theorist Thinks Andrew Luck Could Still Be Alive
It’s been nearly 2,000 days since former QB Andrew Luck was last seen, sprouting many theories as to his whereabouts. Our source, who chooses to be anonymous due to fear
This Day In Sports History: Manti Te’o’s Imaginary Girlfriend Loses Courageous Battle With Imaginary Leukemia
On this day in 2012, a day of imaginary tragedy, Manti Te’o lost his beloved imaginary girlfriend to the ravages of imaginary leukemia. Her imaginary heroism inspired Te’o both on
Jalen Carter Says Spitting On Dak Prescott Was ‘The Worst Thing He’s Ever Done,’ So Don’t Bother Googling Him Or Anything
On opening night, Eagles DT Jalen Carter was ejected from competition for what Carter is calling, “The worst thing I’ve ever done in my life, period. No further investigation needed.”
Sources: The Busts At Canton Come Alive At Night And They Won’t Stop Using Racial Slurs
Officials at the Pro Football Hall of Fame are investigating a bizarre phenomenon in which bronze busts of former NFL legends appear to come alive after hours—and IMMEDIATELY begin shouting
