FOOTBALL
Report: Giants Bench Daniel Jones In Favor Of Hiking Ball Into Empty Backfield
The New York Giants have just announced they will be benching their $160 million dollar starting quarterback in favor of simply having their center snap the ball blindly into the backfield. “The data is all there,” said Giants head coach Brian Daboll. “We as an organization have looked at the latest state-of-the-art AI analytics, and […]
“He told me only cowards made the Super Bowl.”
–Jordan Love, on playoff advice Aaron Rodgers
“Let’s get silly. You and me.”
–Mark Davis, Vegas Raiders Owner, speaking directly to his line of cocaine
“It might surprise you people, but I believe in reparations.”
–Jerry Jones, on having players pay back their salaries after a disappointing season
“I’ve made arrangements to be shot out of a dick cannon.”
–Jerry Jones, what he’ll do if the Cowboys win the big one
Tua On Recovery Timeline: ‘My Name Is Samantha. I Am Twelve Years Old.’
Speaking to reporters for the first time since his concussion, Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins star quarterback, answered questions, and spoke about timeline and his eventual return. Tua approached the podium
An Apology From Our Editors: Kirk Cousins Is Not A Member Of OutKast
Sports Riot has been oft-criticized for its bold segments on the intersection between music and sports: case in point, our three-part series on why Pete Rose should sing for System
Panthers Replace Bryce Young With Ginger-Piece-Of-Shit
The Carolina Panthers have seen enough from former #1 overall pick Bryce Young and are looking to level-up the position. “It’s high time we upgrade behind Center,” said Panthers head
Lincoln Financial Field Announces New Mega Sandwich To Stick In Your Fat Fucking Maw
EAGLES FANS REJOICE! For the Bird’s home opener tonight Lincoln Financial Field has announced a new “Philly Special” Sandwich that’s so big and so mega its creation is specifically for
Andy Reid Out 2-4 Weeks With Chicken Tenderitis
Shocking news out of the Kansas City Chiefs’ organization this morning. Head coach Andy Reid has announced he’s on injured reserve with a 3-4 week expected recovery time with the
Tua Tagovailoa One Concussion Away From US Senate
Tua Tagovailoa was concussed and knocked out of the Bills/Dolphins game last night. A scary scene with many asking the question, “Should he hang it up for good?” Others in-the-know
Lock Up Your Sons: Virginia McCaskey Is Going Off Birth Control
BREAKING: Chicago Bears owner and longtime Chi-Town starlet Virginia McCaskey has announced in a press conference that she will be no-longer on birth control. “I’ve decided, I want to start
How To Protect Yourself And Home During A Raiders Away Game
You’ve got the dip, you’ve got the drinks, but… are you prepared for the national security threat Raiders fans pose to your home? Got a gun – HA! Good luck!
