FOOTBALL
Report: Giants Bench Daniel Jones In Favor Of Hiking Ball Into Empty Backfield
The New York Giants have just announced they will be benching their $160 million dollar starting quarterback in favor of simply having their center snap the ball blindly into the backfield. “The data is all there,” said Giants head coach Brian Daboll. “We as an organization have looked at the latest state-of-the-art AI analytics, and […]
“He told me only cowards made the Super Bowl.”
–Jordan Love, on playoff advice Aaron Rodgers
“Let’s get silly. You and me.”
–Mark Davis, Vegas Raiders Owner, speaking directly to his line of cocaine
“It might surprise you people, but I believe in reparations.”
–Jerry Jones, on having players pay back their salaries after a disappointing season
“I’ve made arrangements to be shot out of a dick cannon.”
–Jerry Jones, what he’ll do if the Cowboys win the big one
‘Hard Knocks’ Finale Will Show Bears Fans Were In Purgatory All Along
WARNING: The following content contains SPOILERS. HBO leaked information Monday about its Season 21 finale of Hard Knocks: Chicago Bears. Lead director Shannon Furman told sources that the final minutes
ESPN To Add “Would Fuck” Feature To Fantasy Football App
Due to extreme demand from fantasy players, owners, and developers, ESPN reportedly will add a “would f*ck” feature to their fantasy football app. “Fans know the stats. But what about
Razorbacks, Longhorns, And 5 Other Teams Named After Animals Their Fans Love To Fuck
College Football has many unanswered questions. Now, we know what you’re thinking. How DID these teams get THESE mascots? Our research shows, those fan bases f*ck those animals. Over and
Jerry Jones Announces Bid For Presidency
In a shocking turn of events, Jerry Jones, Dallas Cowboys owner, has announced his bid for Democratic Nominee in this year’s 2024 presidential election. Surrounded by Cowboys cheerleaders, Jones stepped
An Apology From Our Editors: Will Levis Was Not The Shooter
Hello World. We, here at Sports Riot, have made a grave journalistic error and are here to own up to it. Will Levis was NOT the shooter, from yesterday’s events.
NFL Offseason Update: Titans Still Around
Despite many changes throughout the league during this NFL offseason, Sports Riot has confirmed from multiple sources that the Tennessee Titans “still exist.” A spokesperson for the Tennessee Titans released
Isabelle Butker Stoned To Death For Receiving Unsolicited Job Offer
As is tradition with the strict Butker belief system, sources close to the situation report that Mrs. Isabelle Butker was laid to rest Thursday by hundreds and hundreds of hurled
Report: Expert Legal Team Gets O.J. Into Heaven
Football legend O.J. Simpson was acquitted from Hell this week after a long, highly contentious and publicized trial in the deepest bowels of the Netherworld, Los Angeles County. Analysts agree
