FOOTBALL
Daniel Jones Offered Performance Bonus For Any Down He Successfully Doesn’t Throw Interception
The New York Giants have announced an atypical but promising incentive for their starting quarterback, Daniel Jones. “Projections show Danny Dimes should be able to ‘cash-in’ on this opportunity between 2-4 times a game!” said head coach Brian Daboll. “That’s lightyears beyond where we are today.”
Girlfriend’s Clitoris Stuck In Michael Strahan’s Teeth Again
Michael Strahan’s “gap” is on an unprecedented cl*toris-to-stuck (CtS) ratio. As of publication, currently Strahan’s 2024 season is on-pace to eclipse Arnold Schwarzenegger’s record of 4.2:1 (CtS:day) ratio. “It’s truly unbelievable what he’s doing,” said longtime teeth-gaper and cli*toris Hall of Famer Eddie Murphy. “I think he can catch Arnie.”
Gronk Amazed To Hear About Storied Tight End “Rob Gronkowski”
Fox Sports Host and Analyst Robert Gronkowski found himself in the NFL Films wing of the Fox studio after taping wrapped on Sunday, sources say. Being lost for hours, Mr. Gronkowski reportedly passed time and waited for help by watching old highlights of all-time players. When Fox Sports security frantically arrived on the scene to […]
Arizona Cardinals Disband After Realizing They Can Just Put Past Seasons On Repeat For Geriatric Fanbase
“We’re pivoting. Rethinking some strategies.”
–Jim Harbaugh, currently hacking into the servers at Washington University’s campus
“Every time I leave Jacksonville I think, ‘Huh, this other town has a functioning sewage system. That’s weird.'”
–Trevor Lawrence
“We have the top pick, again?!”
–Justin Fields, before saying ‘fuck’ for 30 minutes straight
“Through God, all things are possible.”
–Russell Wilson, getting on his knees and praying for the slow, agonizing death of Sean Payton
What You Can Do To Support Caleb Williams During This Difficult Time
The NFL Draft is complete despite an unfathomable tragedy that befell a highly touted Heisman Trophy winner with promise. Much to the horror and dismay of the country, USC’s own,
Quiz: Are These Raiders Fans Or Just Lost Juggalos At The Detroit NFL Draft
With two nights of NFL Draft behind us, we keep running into a similar type of person, they’re everywhere, it’s the constant stream of face painted felons across from us
Draft Watch: ‘Drake Maye Will Be Dead Before The Second Round’ And 4 Other Draft Predictions We Got Wrong
Mock Drafts are about BIG risk and BIG bets. Despite our Draft predictions being epic, unfortunately we got more than a few things wrong. Here are the five that aren’t
NFL Drafts Five-Star Prospect From Harvard Law To Obliterate CTE Lawsuits
In what most legal and sports analysts are calling a savvy move by its front office, the NFL announced today that they’d drafted Michael Sipolski, a first-round Harvard Law prospect,
Bryce Young Declares For 2024 NFL Draft
Panthers’ quarterback Bryce Young stated Monday that, after a lot of thinking, counsel, and prayer, he’s decided to take his game to the next level and enter the 2024 NFL
Report: If We Can’t Football No More, What Can Do? By: Robert Gronkowski
Football! Now that football gone, does mean gone forever? What are we when football leave? I am football man Robert Gronkowski and I asking: When we can’t football no more,
Report: ESPN NFL Power Rankings List To Enjoy 6 Months Of Wild, Baseless Speculation
ESPN assured fans Monday that, though they won’t see another official down until Labor Day, the network will continue to pump out cutting-edge, unfounded, and downright bizarre guesswork for its
Report: “Elder Abuse” And 5 Other Crimes Travis Kelce Can Get Away With
Travis Kelce is America’s Tight End. He wins Super Bowls, dates starlets, and abuses elders. You love it. We love it. Like – what can’t he do? More importantly —
