FOOTBALL
Daniel Jones Offered Performance Bonus For Any Down He Successfully Doesn’t Throw Interception
The New York Giants have announced an atypical but promising incentive for their starting quarterback, Daniel Jones. “Projections show Danny Dimes should be able to ‘cash-in’ on this opportunity between 2-4 times a game!” said head coach Brian Daboll. “That’s lightyears beyond where we are today.”
Girlfriend’s Clitoris Stuck In Michael Strahan’s Teeth Again
Michael Strahan’s “gap” is on an unprecedented cl*toris-to-stuck (CtS) ratio. As of publication, currently Strahan’s 2024 season is on-pace to eclipse Arnold Schwarzenegger’s record of 4.2:1 (CtS:day) ratio. “It’s truly unbelievable what he’s doing,” said longtime teeth-gaper and cli*toris Hall of Famer Eddie Murphy. “I think he can catch Arnie.”
Gronk Amazed To Hear About Storied Tight End “Rob Gronkowski”
Fox Sports Host and Analyst Robert Gronkowski found himself in the NFL Films wing of the Fox studio after taping wrapped on Sunday, sources say. Being lost for hours, Mr. Gronkowski reportedly passed time and waited for help by watching old highlights of all-time players. When Fox Sports security frantically arrived on the scene to […]
Arizona Cardinals Disband After Realizing They Can Just Put Past Seasons On Repeat For Geriatric Fanbase
“We’re pivoting. Rethinking some strategies.”
–Jim Harbaugh, currently hacking into the servers at Washington University’s campus
“Every time I leave Jacksonville I think, ‘Huh, this other town has a functioning sewage system. That’s weird.'”
–Trevor Lawrence
“We have the top pick, again?!”
–Justin Fields, before saying ‘fuck’ for 30 minutes straight
“Through God, all things are possible.”
–Russell Wilson, getting on his knees and praying for the slow, agonizing death of Sean Payton
Report: A Kelce Brother Is Probably Fucking Right Now
A shocking new study released by the NFL has revealed that, given any moment chances are, a Kelce brother is likely having sex. Whether it is a global pop superstar
Mayor Of Cleveland Prepares To Set Fire To River Again Before Next Watson Allegations Drop
Cleveland mayor Justin Bibb announced Wednesday a $2.1 million measure to prepare the Cuyahoga River to catch fire immediately in the case that Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson faces another sexual-misconduct
‘Peacock’ And 5 Other Made-Up Streaming Services With NFL Games
With the Wild West that has become the online streaming platform market, it was only a matter of time until pranksters got in on the action and swindled the broadcasting
Now It Makes Sense: Mark Davis Has Been Dead For 3 Years
Shedding light on a question NFL fans and journalists alike have often raised, the Clark County Coroner’s Office in Las Vegas released an official statement on Thursday that Raiders owner
Terrible Towel Doubles As Dating Red Flag
You perused a few games yesterday while you’re swiping through the dating apps over this morning’s coffee and there it is! Finally the wait is over! You find someone that
“Tush Push” And 5 Other NFL Plays That Describe Your Pathetic Sex Life
Football, like sex, is a lot more fun when you can actually convert and make it into the end zone. And while the Tush Push might have a 92% success
Dick Sucking: Should We Add It To Football?
Like most Americans, we’ve been thinking a lot about how to improve the NFL and the game we love. And it got us thinking: Should we add dick-sucking to football?
Zach Wilson To Star in ’80 For Brady’ Porn Parody
Despite the recent benching to 3rd-string backup quarterback, Zach Wilson isn’t letting anything stop him from pursuing his dreams. Citing his deep affinity for the original, the Jets quarterback surprised
