FOOTBALL

Caleb Williams’ Early Success: Inspires Bears Fan To Finally Leave Chicago, Make Something Of His Life

“I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and think of a baby crying on an airplane.”
–Justin Tucker, “visualizing” before field goal attempts

“Even after all these years, I still get Alabama and Michigan mixed up.”
–Urban Meyer, on which campus frat quad he’s not allowed back at

“My entire team tested negative for cocaine. I’ve… failed them all.”
–Mark Davis, stepping down as Las Vegas Raiders Owner effective immediately

Philadelphia Report: Baby Surprisingly Hard To Throw Onto Field
Sources have informed Sports Riot that a long and hallowed Philadelphia tradition dating back to 1987 went off without a hitch last night. As is tradition, a baby must be

Debate Time: Can A Ram Kill A Lion? Aaron Rodgers Got Us High As Fuck And Now We’re Arguing With Him
We’ll report back with the final debate results after the room stops spinning, right now our hands feel really incredible and the world is connected to the universe through love

Report: A Kelce Brother Is Probably Fucking Right Now
A shocking new study released by the NFL has revealed that, given any moment chances are, a Kelce brother is likely having sex. Whether it is a global pop superstar

Mayor Of Cleveland Prepares To Set Fire To River Again Before Next Watson Allegations Drop
Cleveland mayor Justin Bibb announced Wednesday a $2.1 million measure to prepare the Cuyahoga River to catch fire immediately in the case that Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson faces another sexual-misconduct

‘Peacock’ And 5 Other Made-Up Streaming Services With NFL Games
With the Wild West that has become the online streaming platform market, it was only a matter of time until pranksters got in on the action and swindled the broadcasting

Now It Makes Sense: Mark Davis Has Been Dead For 3 Years
Shedding light on a question NFL fans and journalists alike have often raised, the Clark County Coroner’s Office in Las Vegas released an official statement on Thursday that Raiders owner

Terrible Towel Doubles As Dating Red Flag
You perused a few games yesterday while you’re swiping through the dating apps over this morning’s coffee and there it is! Finally the wait is over! You find someone that

“Tush Push” And 5 Other NFL Plays That Describe Your Pathetic Sex Life
Football, like sex, is a lot more fun when you can actually convert and make it into the end zone. And while the Tush Push might have a 92% success




