FOOTBALL

“Man oh man! Aaron Rodgers for Vice President??! Kinda makes me jealous to be honest. Damn, I wish I had what Aaron has.”
–Aaron Rodgers, to his bathroom cactus

“My financial advice is to never touch your savings.”
–Rob Gronkowski, pointing over to a pile of Chuck E. Cheese tokens

Phew: Justin Tucker Receives Presidential Pardon
There’s a happy ending after all for shiatsu superfan/embattled NFL star Justin Tucker. The world’s greatest foot has been given a hand via a Presidential pardon. “When my assistant told

On Death’s Doorstep: This Running Back Is 29
Family and friends have gathered at Texans training camp to remember Pro Bowl running back Nick Chubb as he enters his seventh season in the league at the age of

Report: Soldier Field Built On Ancient QB Burial Ground
It’s a question older than time itself: Why do Bears quarterbacks always suck? Researchers from the University of Chicago think they’ve finally found an answer. Soldier Field, in fact, was

Hear Us Out: The Carolinas Should Get A Pro Football Team
Okay: We know the Carolinas are college-basketball country, with Duke and UNC men’s in the North and USC women’s in the South. And we know all about the Durham Bulls

NY Jets Announce They Are Moving On From Winning
In a surprising announcement on Sunday, general manager Darren Mougey stated that the New York Jets had pivoted strategies, and were no longer interested in pursuing a future with the

Breaking: Trump Threatens E.U. With More Panthers/Giants Games
President Trump announced Monday that if the E.U. doesn’t submit to his proposed zero-tariff trade policy on imports, he’s prepared to take extreme measures. For two days Trump went silent

Breaking: This Football Doesn’t Have A Penis Or Vagina, And That’s Wrong
While shopping for my big Eagles-Chiefs party this Sunday, I decided to go all-out and buy a commemorative Super Bowl XIL football. “This would really impress the guys,” I told

We’re Finally Ready To Reveal Our Picks For NFC/AFC Championship
At Sports Riot, we’re nothing but thorough. We subscribe to the “measure nine times, cut once because we’re too legit to quit” mantra popularized by former Falcons coach Jerry Glanville.






