FOOTBALL
Morning Sky Blackens As Swarm Of Philip Rivers’ Kids Descend On Playground Like Horde Of Locusts
“It’s all pretty ironic considering I had just spoken with him recently.”
–Aaron Rodgers, on Achilles
“I’d describe myself as a tall tree. With hands. Who can catch and run. Look, I’m a wide receiver, what kind of fucking question is that?”
–Mike Evans, answering if he were a tree which tree would he be
“I start every day by throwing a football straight up into the sky as hard as I can, and then I wait patiently for it’s return, whereupon I allow the speeding lump of leather to strike me flush on the forehead, this filling my brain with knowledge of its travels.”
–Peyton Manning, on how he’s spending his retirement
“Look at the jersey number, look down at your sheet, say the name out loud.”
–Al Michaels, the secret to good play-by-play announcing
Yeehaw! Dallas Cowboys Hogtie Themselves Another Losing Season
Howdy, pilgrims! We’ve heard a great bunch ‘a NFL analysts are plumb mad wit’ that yella belly outlaw, Jerry Jones, who ‘parently went on down ta the O.K. Draft Corral
Struggling Actor Considering Joining The NFL To Book More Commercials
After failing to get a callback for the role of an embarrassing dad in an insurance commercial, local actor Donovan Helsen, 36, says he’s considering taking a part-time job as
NFL Offering Counseling To Players Who Recently Died By Suicide
The NFL has set its sights on expanding mental health care by today announcing a new program that offers counseling to players who have recently died by suicide. Beginning as
10 Facts About Patrick Mahomes’ Personal Life That You, A 45-Year-Old Man, Care About For Some Reason
Patrick Mahomes exploded onto the NFL scene, winning an MVP and Super Bowl ring after only two seasons as the starting quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs, which launched him
Chicago Bears Retire Justin Fields’ Number
With the season over and it obvious Caleb Williams is coming to ChiTown, the Bears did the only thing they could, releasing a statement from GM Ryan Poles calling Fields,
Local Man’s Divorce Brought To Him By FanDuel
Hey fans, if you love custody battles, listen up! The county sheriff has served local man Jackson DeCamp with a robust stack of divorce papers today brought to him by
That’s Weird: Why Hasn’t This Raiders Fan Stabbed Me Yet?
I’ve come totally prepared. It’s Sunday, I’m at a bar in Las Vegas, and there’s a Raiders fan sitting right next to me. Now, there are always variables in any
Yikes: ‘Jeopardy!’ Tapped Kirk Cousins To Guest Host But None Of The Contestants Are Listening To Him
An attempt to replicate the success of guest host Aaron Rogers with Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins is backfiring spectacularly for “Jeopardy!” this week after the show’s contestants are failing