FOOTBALL

Heroes Never Die: Scientists Confirm That Every Time You Hear Thunder It’s Just John Madden In Heaven Yelling ‘Boom!’

Bullshit: Team Doctor Apparently Too Scared To Perform Open-Heart Surgery So Linebacker Can Get Back Into Game

“No matter how many times I try, I just don’t think I’ll ever get the hang of water polo.”
–Robert Kraft, ordering the help to haul another drowned horse out of his pool

Opinion: The Super Bowl Peaked At IV And It’s Time To Finally Cancel It
On January 11, 1970, the Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Minnesota Vikings 23-7. Each player left with $42, a traumatic brain injury, and the honor of playing in the greatest

Shirtless, Blindfolded Gardner Minshew Doing Kung Fu On Sideline
Is it the glorious mullet? The katana-sharp mustache? Or his shirtless body glistening in the bright lights of primetime as he trains tirelessly to be the world’s deadliest backup quarterback?

Someone Left A Scathing Yelp Review Of Tampa’s Raymond James Stadium And We’re Pretty Sure It Was Bill Belichick
Sports Riot discovered a chillingly calculated one-star Yelp review of the Bucs’ Raymond James Stadium and we’re pretty sure the writer, “ScowlDaddy1952,” is Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. “Field too

NFL Unveils New Ribbed Footballs For Receiver’s Pleasure
In a stunningly progressive move, the NFL debuted the Wilson® Ribbed Pig Skynz football today after decades of calls to modernize the game. The ball, which features a ribbed exterior

5 Insufferable Lessons Aaron Rodgers Learned From Ayahuasca
With Aaron Rodgers’ season finished, the retirement talk has begun. Aaron is reportedly reflecting on his year and unfortunately has contacted Sports Riot with the five lessons he learned from

Eagles’ Successes Allowing Philadelphia Man To Only Be Mad At All Other Aspects Of Life
When I was a kid growing up in Philly, I could always count on two things: My life sucked, and so did the Eagles. But for the last couple years

Learning From His Mistakes: We Tried To Catfish Manti Te’o And He Just Beat The Living Shit Out Of Us
Ten years after his infamous catfishing incident, we at Sports Riot decided to see if Manti T’eo learned from his mistakes. And we’re proud to report that not only did

NFL Proudly Debuts First-Ever Female Football
Speaking before reporters on Thursday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell excitedly announced that the league was about to debut its first-ever female football, in what he hoped would be a move





