FOOTBALL
Man Eating Doritos While Watching Doritos Super Bowl Commercial Realizes He’s So Fucked By Capitalism
During his Super Bowl party, when a Doritos advertisement came on just as NFL fan David Sheridan was putting another Nacho Dorito in his mouth, Sheridan suddenly realized that he was getting totally double-penetrated by American capitalism. “God, I’m fucked on a biological level,” Sheridan said as he scanned the back of the already-half-eaten Doritos […]
Andy Reid Signals For Emergency Quesadilla
As the third quarter of the AFC championship game begins and with the ball on the Bills’ 22, Chiefs’ head coach Andy Reid called an audible. Time for a trick play? Spike the ball and regroup? No. It was time for an emergency quesadilla. Since joining the Chiefs in 2013, Reid’s established what he calls […]
“I’m terrified of a dark future where players become self-aware.”
–Roger Goodell, unprompted
“Now I’ll never forget!”
–Rob Gronkowski, on legally changing his name to ‘Gronk Gronkgronki’
“Taylor Swift Is A PsyOP on vaccine-injured sheep!”
–Aaron Rodgers, to a frightened CVS cashier
Aaron Rodgers Dies Of Sensitivity Training
Jets officials confirmed that New York quarterback Aaron Rodgers suffered a fatal reaction to a sensitivity training seminar earlier today. The mandated event was aimed to help Jets players understand
BREAKING: Jared Goff’s Perfect Performance Confirms Reality Is A Simulation
In the Lions thrilling victory over the Seattle Seahawks last night, Detroit’s triumph sent two messages to the rest of the league. 1) Detroit is a contender in the playoffs;
Daniel Jones Disappointed In Giants For Starting Him
After boasting a no-touchdown losing performance against division rival, Dallas. Daniel Jones addressed the local media, “We need to be putting ourselves in better situations.” Jones, visibly upset, continued, “The
Andy Dalton Has Fucked 136 Carolina Residents Since Sunday
Carolina has a new sex-God. The “Red Rifle” has reportedly “unloaded” on 136 Carolina residents. And, counting! “Guys, gals, and everyone else in Carolina can’t not fuck me right now,“
Its Official: Myers-Briggs Creates Unique Category For Type Of Loser Dak Prescott Is
Since its conception in 1944, the Myers-Briggs Personality Test (MBPT) has never changed, until now. Research found that the famed test couldn’t measure just how much of a massive fantastical
Opinion: Sexual Predators Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Play Football If They Suck By: Ben Roethlisberger
I, Big Ben Roethlisberger, am disgusted. With 24 allegations of sexual misconduct and a fresh accusation this month, DeShaun Watson remains a starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns, despite the
Cleveland Browns Sign Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs
BREAKING: Sports Riot has learned and is reporting the Cleveland Browns have signed Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs to a four-year $100 million contract. “The Browns have a strong culture of sexual
Tua On Recovery Timeline: ‘My Name Is Samantha. I Am Twelve Years Old.’
Speaking to reporters for the first time since his concussion, Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins star quarterback, answered questions, and spoke about timeline and his eventual return. Tua approached the podium
