FOOTBALL
Man Eating Doritos While Watching Doritos Super Bowl Commercial Realizes He’s So Fucked By Capitalism
During his Super Bowl party, when a Doritos advertisement came on just as NFL fan David Sheridan was putting another Nacho Dorito in his mouth, Sheridan suddenly realized that he was getting totally double-penetrated by American capitalism. “God, I’m fucked on a biological level,” Sheridan said as he scanned the back of the already-half-eaten Doritos […]
Andy Reid Signals For Emergency Quesadilla
As the third quarter of the AFC championship game begins and with the ball on the Bills’ 22, Chiefs’ head coach Andy Reid called an audible. Time for a trick play? Spike the ball and regroup? No. It was time for an emergency quesadilla. Since joining the Chiefs in 2013, Reid’s established what he calls […]
“I’m terrified of a dark future where players become self-aware.”
–Roger Goodell, unprompted
“Now I’ll never forget!”
–Rob Gronkowski, on legally changing his name to ‘Gronk Gronkgronki’
“Taylor Swift Is A PsyOP on vaccine-injured sheep!”
–Aaron Rodgers, to a frightened CVS cashier
Breaking: Cowboys Sign Lucrative Deal With Pronhub To “At Least Be Paid To Be Gaped”
Deal master, mogul, and owner Jerry Jones has done it again. The Dallas Cowboys have signed an extremely lucrative contract with pornography giant, Pornhub. “Time to give the people what
SR Investigates: Why Didn’t The Tennessee Titans Play Last Week And What The Fuck Is The NFL Hiding?
Remember the Titans? Because last week the NFL sure DIDN’T. We at Sports Riot HQ in Roswell, N.M., were sitting around last Sunday, counting the NFL teams, when we realized
Aaron Rodgers Admits He’s Been Playing Sarcastically This Whole Time
Sports Riot was granted exclusive access to Aaron Rodgers via a one-on-one sit down interview, earlier today. Unfortunately any access to Aaron would be only via Aaron’s “Mind Manor.” A
Domestic Violence Will Never Be Tolerated Unless The Chiefs Need A Running Back
The National Football League’s domestic violence policy came into question last night during the Chiefs victory over the New Orleans Saints. Kareem Hunt boasted a 27 carry, 101 yard, and
Breaking: NY Jets Fire Robert Saleh, Hire Aaron Rodgers As Head Coach
“It’s time to hire a real coach around here,” boasted Aaron Rodgers to the New York media. While some around the league are in shock at the firing of a
Hold Up! If You Gaurantee $230 Million To A Piece Of Shit It May Not Work Out?
“First off, I’ve heard the allegations and it’s time I admit they’re true,” Deshaun Watson said to the Cleveland press. Watson took to the podium immediately after strong accusations of
Pardon Our Delay: OJ Simpson Arrested For Alleged Murder
For thirty years, we have neglected to report and are just learning of OJ Simpson’s alleged murder arrest. In doing so, we have misled our readers about Mr. Simpson. Sports
Report: Dad Has ‘Favorite Black Quarterback’
Speaking to his son on the phone, local dad and lifelong NFL fan, Martin Wilhite, proudly announced that after years of waiting, he had finally chosen a favorite Black quarterback
