FOOTBALL
Man Eating Doritos While Watching Doritos Super Bowl Commercial Realizes He’s So Fucked By Capitalism
During his Super Bowl party, when a Doritos advertisement came on just as NFL fan David Sheridan was putting another Nacho Dorito in his mouth, Sheridan suddenly realized that he was getting totally double-penetrated by American capitalism. “God, I’m fucked on a biological level,” Sheridan said as he scanned the back of the already-half-eaten Doritos […]
Andy Reid Signals For Emergency Quesadilla
As the third quarter of the AFC championship game begins and with the ball on the Bills’ 22, Chiefs’ head coach Andy Reid called an audible. Time for a trick play? Spike the ball and regroup? No. It was time for an emergency quesadilla. Since joining the Chiefs in 2013, Reid’s established what he calls […]
“I’m terrified of a dark future where players become self-aware.”
–Roger Goodell, unprompted
“Now I’ll never forget!”
–Rob Gronkowski, on legally changing his name to ‘Gronk Gronkgronki’
“Taylor Swift Is A PsyOP on vaccine-injured sheep!”
–Aaron Rodgers, to a frightened CVS cashier
Pardon Our Delay: OJ Simpson Arrested For Alleged Murder
For thirty years, we have neglected to report and are just learning of OJ Simpson’s alleged murder arrest. In doing so, we have misled our readers about Mr. Simpson. Sports
Report: Dad Has ‘Favorite Black Quarterback’
Speaking to his son on the phone, local dad and lifelong NFL fan, Martin Wilhite, proudly announced that after years of waiting, he had finally chosen a favorite Black quarterback
Dan Campbell Apologizes For Accidentially Devouring Game Ball Meant For Jared Goff
After Jared Goff’s perfect performance against the Seattle Seahawks Dan Campbell took to the media to apologize for accidentally devouring the game ball meant for Goff. “It’s my bad,” said
Andy Reid’s 23&Me Results Reveal He Is 30% Corned Beef Hash
During a press conference following Sunday’s 17–10 win to the Chargers, Chiefs’ head coach Andy Reid shared that his 23andMe results were in, and reportedly 30% of his lineage stems
Jared Goff’s Perfect Performance Confirms Reality Is A Simulation
In the Lions thrilling victory over the Seattle Seahawks last night, Detroit’s triumph sent two messages to the rest of the league. 1) Detroit is a contender in the playoffs;
Report: Bo Nix Has A Lot Of Fucking Explaining To Do
Sources around Denver, CO have confirmed that Bo Nix “has a lot of fucking explaining to do.” League insiders appear to be baffled as well but more importantly mathematicians around
Daniel Jones Disappointed In Giants For Starting Him
After boasting a no-touchdown losing performance against division rival, Dallas, Daniel Jones addressed the local media, “We need to be putting ourselves in better situations.” Jones, visibly upset, continued, “The
Aaron Rodgers Dies Of Sensitivity Training
Jets officials confirmed that New York quarterback Aaron Rodgers suffered a fatal reaction to a sensitivity training seminar earlier today. The mandated event was aimed to help Jets players understand
