FOOTBALL

“They kept my head in a cage because my thoughts were too powerful.”
–Antonio Brown, on helmets

“Wait, that weird little guy isn’t that mascot?”
–Davante Adams, on Raiders owner Mark Davis

“I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. A newborn kissed by moring dew. The light of Genesis fading from weathered eyes. A Chihuahua with really huge balls. All those moments will one day be lost in time, like tears in rain.”
–Rob Gronkowski, at the Taco Bell drive-thru

“You’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
–Aaron Rodgers, threatening a Corgi that didn’t shake his hand

Division III Team Really Playing Like A Division II Team Today
Spectators of the Division III football team Mount Union Purple Raiders were reportedly very impressed by Saturday’s game, saying that they could have sworn that they were watching a D-II

Father Teaches Son To Throw Perfect Spiral, Be Dishonest With Women
Local father and ex-husband Jerry Smeeksmen has reportedly begun taking his son outside to play catch and teach him yet another father-son life lesson: how to throw an absolutely perfect

NFL Taking All Necessary Precautions To Continue Making Money
With concerns over the impact COVID-19 is having on sports, the NFL is doing everything in their power to ensure the health and safety of continuing to make money. Public

It’s Time To Defund The Dallas Cowboys
After decades of misallocated funds, countless losses, and missed playoffs, fans around the country are clamoring to defund the Dallas Cowboys. Caught going 8-8 in 2019 on live video was

NFL Raises $40 Million For Charity Awareness
Continuing its long history of explicit corporate philanthropy, the NFL announced that it has raised over $40 million for a cause it holds near and dear to its heart: Charity

Mitch Trubisky Worried Good Performance Will Give Fans Wrong Idea
Chicago Bears QB Mitch Trubisky is worried that his unusually strong performance may have given fans the wrong idea about what he’s capable of doing on a week-to-week basis. “Fans

NFC South Secedes From NFL
Refusing to comply with the league’s latest updated roster requirements, the NFC South seceded from the NFL today, announcing plans to form a more perfect alliance of its own called

Jets Call Dibs On Patrick Mahomes’ Unborn Child
Speaking before a gathering of reporters carefully arranged into a pentagram, New York Jets General Manager and perennial Faustian bargainer Joe Douglas made the striking proclamation on Tuesday that he




