FOOTBALL

Taylor Swift Gives Travis Kelce One More Chance To Win A Super Bowl And Propose The Right Way

“Erection Day, November 5th was so overrated. I walked around with a huge dick all day and nobody did anything.”
–Rob Gronkowski

“Eberflus and Waldron are great coaches and I have 100% faith in them.”
–Caleb Williams, failing a concussion test

“I don’t agree with all his policies, but you can’t argue with his results.”
–Gronk, on Santa Clause

Terry Bradshaw MRI Reveals Rare “Bucket Of Chicken Instead of Brain” Disease
After a seemingly normal moment in which Fox NFL Sunday Commentator Terry Bradshaw was asked if the Carolina Panthers could win the NFC South and proceeded to go on a

Jaguars Fan Being Awfully Smug For Someone Whose Van Was Just Repossessed
Local Jaguars fan Randy C. was in unusually high spirits Tuesday afternoon despite arriving at an Arby’s on a bicycle, shirtless, shoeless, and visibly missing a van that had been

Bears Fan Who Bet On Team’s Success Warned Not To Blow It All On One Artery
With the Chicago Bears currently leading the NFC North, no one could have predicted their rapid ascension; No one, that is, except for Bears superfan Bob Dabrowski, who stands to

Browns’ Stadium Introduces Two-Drink Minimum
In a move stadium officials are calling “long overdue,” the Browns announced Thursday that all fans entering Huntington Bank Field will now be subject to a mandatory 2-drink minimum, explaining

Belichick Vows Deep Introspection On Season’s Failures Between Rounds Of Old Man Sex With Girlfriend
North Carolina Head Coach Bill Belichick has not been sitting easy with an unexpectedly dismal 4-8 season record. In classic Belichick fashion, he promised to review the film, meet with

Caitlin Clark Named Indianapolis Colts Starting Quarterback
The Indianapolis Colts have made a bold choice. They’ve decided to bench signal caller Philip Rivers in favor of Indiana Fever guard Caitlin Clark. “She just wanted it more,” said

Dad Deftly Reroutes Family Therapy Into Eagles Trivia Night
Sitting in a warmly lit therapist’s office surrounded by his family, Philadelphia-area father John “Jawn” Shaffer utilized his grasp on the talking stick and accompanying sole power to speak by

Study Finds That 86 Percent Of Third Downs Are ‘Big Third Downs,’ Up 12 Percent From Last Year
A study released by the Pew Research Center on Monday suggests that “big third downs” are at an all-time high 86 percent this season, following a relatively stable 2024 in




