FOOTBALL

“It was an emotional moment: Tom, starting to cry; me, observing him display emotion.”
-Bill Belichick, on his reunion with Tom Brady

“I was really just trying to dig deep and find a win anyway I could.”
-Urban Meyer, on why he shoved his fingers up that girl’s butt

“I’ve been around a long time and I know what garbage looks like.”
-Daniel Jones, to a mirror

Cleveland Found To Finally Be Thriving Without Sports
As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to cripple America’s economy there is little left to get excited about. Sports are certainly not one of the “exciting” topics as they’ve been cancelled

Elon Musk Announces Plan To Make L.A. Chargers Obsolete In Under Four Years
Announcing the next phase in his multi-business energy plan, Elon Musk told a crowd of shareholders at Tesla HQ that he is developing the technology to make the Los Angeles

NFL Discovers Thousands Of Tapes Of You Cooking Dinner Filmed By The Patriots
A year-long investigation into the New England Patriots by NFL culinary agents has revealed in a bombshell report that the franchise has been filming you cook dinner for years and

Kirk Cousins Benched For More Experienced Kirk Uncles
In a surprise move, the Minnesota Vikings have announced that they are benching veteran quarterback Kirk Cousins in favor of far-more-veteran quarterback, Kirk Uncles.⠀ “I mean, it makes sense. I

Suddenly Charitable NFL Player Must Have Done Something Horrible
Following a particularly philanthropic day, fans of star Broncos wide receiver Marcel Voight have become suspicious that the suddenly charitable NFL player must have done something horrible. Voight, who has

Lifelong St. Louis Rams Fan Just Wants To Witness One 10.0-Rated Los Angeles Earthquake Before He Dies
There’s only one item on lifelong St. Louis Rams fan David Harbrook’s bucket list: to see a 10.0-rated earthquake lay waste to the city of Los Angeles. Writing on his

NFL Owners Finally Able To Enjoy Jumbotron Pornography In Peace
While the novel coronavirus continues to impact everyday life, there have been some bright spots for athletes, who now spend more time with their families. For NFL owners, it’s provided

Stud College QB Already Has Eight Childrem
All-American quarterback and absolute freaking stud, Ben Brown, has incredibly already fathered eight children with eight different women and he’s only nineteen. Studs, absolute bad-asses like Brown come a long





