FOOTBALL

“Who thinks I can suck my own dick?”
–Robert Kraft, wearing a wire during a Baltimore Police sting operation

“All of this nonsense is not what I’m about.”
–Kyler Murray, on being told he’s too short to ride Space Mountain at Disney World

“I’ll be back better than ever next year, you can bet on that. Wait, don’t print that last part.”
–Calvin Ridley, on his NFL future

“Now here’s a guy.”
–Cris Collinsworth, drunk in a hotel room, locking eyes with his nude reflection in a bottle of Jameson

Zach Wilson Spends Last Minutes Of Freedom With Loved Ones Before Pending Jets Selection
As the inevitable cruel moment of fate drew near, sources close to the Wilson family report that Zach Wilson spent the last few precious minutes as a non-Jets player delivering

Trevor Lawrence Prepares For Future In Jacksonville by Learning Proper Way To Vomit Jungle Juice Over A Riverwalk Railing
Clemson quarterback and No. 1 overall draft pick Trevor Lawrence is wasting no time in preparing for life in his new city, working tirelessly to learn the complicated etiquette behind

Trevor Lawrence’s Adherence To COVID Guidelines Leaves Jags Wondering If He’ll Be A Good Fit In Florida
Trevor Lawrence’s decision to attend the Cleveland NFL draft remotely in deference to COVID guidelines has left Jacksonville players wondering if the Clemson star will be a good fit in

Nation Still Not Recovered From Almost Having To Watch A Bills Super Bowl
A few days have passed and the American people are reportedly still not fully recovered from the prospect of having to watch the Buffalo Bills in the Super Bowl. Despite

Hear Us Out: Super Bowl Commercials But Without Ads
Picture this: It’s Sunday, you’ve got your favorite Bryan Buckley jersey on, and as you settle into the couch, a delightful, mythical creature appears on your television screen. “Honey,” you

Half Of State Farm Marketing Team Fired After Aaron Rodgers Fails To Make It To Super Bowl
State Farm’s marketing agency confirmed that 50% of its employees were laid off following The Packers’ loss in the NFC championship. “We were pretty much all in on Aaron, which

Bill Belichick Returns To The Lab Inquiring If The Ghosts Are “Field Ready”
Despite February 8th being the official first day of the offseason, when most coaches return to their families and enjoy some much needed rest; New England head coach Bill Belichick,

Bill Belichick Posts Revenge Bod Bikini Pic One Minute Into Super Bowl LV
Bill Belichick, who was devastated just eight months ago when he was dumped by his former quarterback Tom Brady, has clearly gone all in on Paleo and Pilates. The new




