FOOTBALL

NFL Really Trying To Court All Sports-Viewing Demographics With ‘Salute The Troops And Megan Rapinoe Night’

Al Michaels Stops Commentary Mid-Play To Mention How Bird Flying Over Stadium Looks So Peaceful, So Free

Guy With Jaguars Neck Tattoo Poking Out Of His Clergy Collar Must Be Total Fucking Wild Card

“Hands down, the biggest nipples I’ve ever twisted.”
–Trey Lance, on Chris Berman at the 2020 NCAA Championship Game afterparty

“You fool, you simpleton, you absolute imbecile, you’ve fallen into my devious web of lies once again!”
–Aaron Rodgers, audibling into a draw play for 2 yards

“I learned I’m left handed–and deeply Korean.”
–Aaron Rodgers, on his time in the darkness retreat

“The fuck you pigs gonna do? Arrest an old lady?”
–Virginia McCaskey, Bears owner, firing up a joint inside of a Walgreens

Mike McCarthy Caught Completely Off Guard By Quarterback Asking Him For Help
Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Mike McCarthy, fresh off drawing up a play during midweek practice, presented his work to his team. Right after drawing the Receiver Route, McCarthy was totally

We Ran It Through An Algorithm: Here are the 218,938,134 Different Super Bowl Scenarios
After our third year of rolling out our algorithmic program, Dalton-Beta-Crest-1100, we knew we were onto something when last year it tabulated 39,383,700 possible scenarios and all of them involved

Tom Brady Requests Trade To New England
After spending his time testing the waters as captain of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, veteran quarterback Tom Brady has decided to embark on an exciting new stage of his career,

Richard Sherman Convinced Government Tracking Him Through Giant Chip On Shoulder
In response to repeated questions from reporters about the large, unmistakable chip on his shoulder, 49ers cornerback Richard Sherman posted a video on Instagram claiming that the chip is a

Nihilist NFL Offensive Coordinator Couldn’t Care Less How Many Points They Score Because The Great Game Of Life Ultimately Has No Points
Nihilist Offensive Coordinator Chris Perlman addressed the press ahead of the upcoming season, saying he doesn’t care how many points the team scores under him because points, like life itself,

Jim Nantz Freaked Out After Tony Romo Predicts His Death
A harrowing moment occurred at the announcers’ booth during this past Sunday’s NFL On CBS broadcast, as famously accurate color commentator Tony Romo proceeded to forecast to a visibly-shaken Jim

New York Jets Predicted to Win 13 Games in 2019-2022 Seasons
The New York Jets are primed for momentous progress as analysts project the team to win 13 games from the 2019-2022 seasons. “Don’t look now, but surging from way at

NFL Ratings Drop After Addition Of Wednesday Morning Football
Ratings continue to plummet for the NFL’s Wednesday Morning Football, which airs at 7:00 a.m. EST on CBS between two reruns of ‘Dr. Phil,’ and have managed to drop to

