FOOTBALL

“It’s hard not to be jealous — that was always our thing.”
–Steve Belichick, watching his Dad tell Mac Jones that he’s fucking useless

“No, that was definitely the sound of a human femur snapping. I’d recognize that noise anywhere.”
–Matt Ryan, selflessly helping out the Colts’ trainer

“We went from no one to everyone one special teams. That’s progress.”
–Roger Goodell, on who will be held accountable for rape charges

“New fuckboi ain’t got the BDE, but it don’t matter when he goin’ down on me.”
–Virginia McCaskey, Chicago Bears owner, on her new 79-year-old sidepiece

Gronkowski Promises To Donate Brain To Science At End Of Season
Saying that he aspires to make his colleagues’ lives better through tight end research after his eventual retirement, Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski today announced his intention to

United States Chosen As NFL Bubble Country
Although impressed by the NBA’s “cute” Bubble in Orlando, the NFL has announced that it has chosen somewhere a little bigger and slightly more populous for its own isolation zone,

Stop Reading Books: Football Is Back
Congrats on reading your first book since you gave up on the Harry Potter series halfway through in 5th grade, but it’s time to stop reading and put those dumb

Roger Goodell Apologizes For Taking So Long To Realize How Profitable Supporting Player Protests Is For NFL
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in a video call today issued a statement of apology for not realizing the handsome financial benefits of supporting the players in their fight against racial

Man’s Fantasy Football Draft Signals The Gathering Of The Seasonal Friends
With the annual fantasy football draft quickly approaching, local enthusiast Paul Casper’s friend has begun preparations for three or so months of authentic seasonal friendship. “I love these dudes. We

Get Ready To Scream And Eat: Football Is Back
FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!! When you open your bag of chips, if you don’t rip the bag open by grabbing one end of the bag with your teeth and other with

Beer Cooler Preferred Weapon Of Tailgate Fights Everywhere
Have you ever been hammered at a tailgate and needed a weapon to defend yourself from getting body slammed through a table? Are you yelling at a few men, women,

Baseball Cancelled Now That Football Is Back
In light of football’s triumphant return to the American sports scene after a harrowing year, league officials have decided to indefinitely cancel the baseball season since it will no longer




