FOOTBALL

Caleb Williams Hoping If He Doesn’t Make Any Sudden Movements, Bears Won’t Be Able To See Him

“I’d rather be sad and with you than happy with someone new.”
–Bill Belichick, in a drunken voicemail on Brady’s phone

“Rocket arm. Rocket brain. Rocket Mortgage. ROCKET arm. ROCKET brain. ROCKET MORTGAGE. ROCKETMORTGAGEROCKETMORTGAGEROCKETMORTGAGE.”
–Justin Herbert, practicing for his first commercial

“Problem solved.”
–Jerry Jones, in blackface, entering several NFL meetings regarding lack of front offices with minorities

“Have the courage to let the unborn be born. You never know which ones will grow up to be hot.”
–Urban Meyer, on abortion

Hear Us Out: More Chainsaws In Texas Team Logos
I think we can all agree that the most famous thing about Texas is the legendary “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” It’s literally all the state is known for, as far as

Report: Football Finally Receives FDA Approval
After over 100 years of research the FDA has finally given the go-ahead and approved Football. After initial trials dating back to the 1900s the game’s side-effects were much too

Allegiant Stadium To Stop Serving Cocaine After 3rd Quarter
The Las Vegas Raiders, committed to both excellence and the safety of fans, have informed guests at Allegiant Stadium of their newest policy. Moving forward, Allegiant Stadium will stop serving

7 Objects You Should Never Ejaculate on During the National Anthem
Over the past few years there have been a lot of questions of what you can and can’t do during the national anthem. We’re here to help–here are 7 things

Aww! Meet Andy Reid’s New Emotional Support Sandwich
Sorry, spicy chicken nuggets, but it’s chopped brisket that has the football world head over heels as Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid debuted his adorable new emotional support

Analysts Say Team Can Avoid Elimination by Winning Game
With the big matchup just days away, leading sports analysts have clearly done their homework because they are confidently telling viewers that one of the teams can avoid elimination by

How’d That Happen? Smarter Team Loses College Football Game
In what can only be described as an upset of great magnitude, our Harvard Crimson Football team lost to Florida State 49-0, despite Harvard holding a superior edge in academic

God Struggling To Come Up With Quests To Keep Tim Tebow Busy
After turning to his Heavenly Father for the umpteenth time for guidance after getting cut from the Jacksonville Jaguars, Tim Tebow has exhausted nearly all of God’s quests to keep



