FOOTBALL

Caleb Williams Hoping If He Doesn’t Make Any Sudden Movements, Bears Won’t Be Able To See Him

“I’d rather be sad and with you than happy with someone new.”
–Bill Belichick, in a drunken voicemail on Brady’s phone

“Rocket arm. Rocket brain. Rocket Mortgage. ROCKET arm. ROCKET brain. ROCKET MORTGAGE. ROCKETMORTGAGEROCKETMORTGAGEROCKETMORTGAGE.”
–Justin Herbert, practicing for his first commercial

“Problem solved.”
–Jerry Jones, in blackface, entering several NFL meetings regarding lack of front offices with minorities

“Have the courage to let the unborn be born. You never know which ones will grow up to be hot.”
–Urban Meyer, on abortion

NFL Power Rankings: Who’s Kicking Ass And Who’s Eating Ass?
Another week of NFL action means another edition of our weekly power rankings. Some teams kicked ass and others? Well, they ate some ass. Here are the major winners and

Injury Report: Here’s A List Of People That Got Fucked Up Last Week
We’re deep into the NFL season, but even as we inch closer to the playoffs, the list of fucked up players keeps growing larger. Here’s a list of all those

We Rank The Top Rookie Quarterbacks By How Well They Handle Hazing
The NFL draft was stacked with premier quarterback talent. We rank this year’s crop of rookie gunslingers by their ability to handle professional-level hazing. Zach Wilson Although he never fully

Zach Wilson Checks Himself Into Rehab After Wild Night In New York Cafe
Following the surprise upset of the juggernaut Philadelphia Eagles, backup New York Jets and devout Mormon Zach Wilson shocked the football world after checking himself into a rehab program following

Urban Meyer Asks Jaguars GM To Schedule Game Against Rutgers Next Year
Looking to turn his team into a blue-chip program, Jags coach Urban Meyer has asked the team’s GM if he could pencil in a game against Rutgers University next year.

Quiz: Can You Win Enough Championships to Remain In Archie Manning’s Will?
Sports Riot has discovered the secret formula for staying in the Manning patriarch’s will. Do you have what it takes? 1) How many Super Bowls have you won or

Metlife Stadium Becomes First Building In History To Suffer From Clinical Depression
Home to both the Giants and Jets, MetLife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey has become the first building in history to be diagnosed with clinical depression. The landmark diagnosis

Jaguars Fans Denounce Urban Meyer After Video Surfaces Of Him Keeping Shirt On While Partying
Fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars have taken to social media this Saturday to express outrage and disgust over reports that Urban Meyer was seen partying with his shirt on last



