FOOTBALL

“Lucky! I wish my doctor would prescribe me a dog!”
–Rob Gronkowski, after meeting a blind person

“Haters make a lot of noise, but I just block it out.”
–Odell Beckham Jr., on the birth of his first child

“I can’t wait to get back at it next year.”
–DeShaun Watson, hopefully talking about football

“Football is ten-percent mental, ten-percent physical, and eighty-percent psychosexual.”
–Urban Meyer

Risky: We Let This All-Pro Punter Hold Our Dog
It started off like any other Saturday. Then, we took a stroll to the dog park and… Jeremy Ferstein, ten-year NFL punting veteran, approached complimenting Trixie, our adorable bichon frise.

Man Binges Last 58 Super Bowls To Catch Up To Current Season
Attempting to get caught up on all the previous seasons to avoid spoilers before this year’s Super Bowl, local man Ed Taylor is binge-watching the last 58 Super Bowls. Taylor,

Patriots Attempt First All Drone Roster
The Patriots always seem to find themselves one step ahead of the competition. Now after 20 years of unmatched success, the six-time Super Bowl champions are looking for help from

A More Mature Bills Team Officially Changes Team Name
The Buffalo Bills, tired of being treated like the kid of the AFC East, have decided to rebrand themselves to reflect a more mature and adult attitude. The football team,

Jerry Jones Hired As New Cowboys Head Coach
A major shakeup occurred in Dallas over the past weekend, as recent Cowboys head coaching hire Mike McCarthy was unceremoniously set aside in favor of a new and audacious prospect,

If The NFL Cares So Much About Safety, Then Why Don’t Players Wear Seatbelts?
We all know that playing in an NFL game is like a car crash, but that begs the question: If the NFL cares so much about safety and well-being of

Fourteen More Jets Players Retroactively Opt Out Of 2020 NFL Season
On the grounds that the 2020 NFL season is nothing more than an imaginary thought exercise despite it still “continuing” into the “playoffs,” fourteen additional Jets players have joined a

Derrick Henry Apologizes For Derailing Train During Morning Jog
Speaking for the first time since the Titans playoff elimination this past weekend, Derrick Henry addressed questions regarding Henry absentmindedly derailing a commuter train during his morning jog. The Tennessee




