FOOTBALL

Sports Riot Investigates: Which Low Income Neighborhood Do The Buccaneers Aim The Cannons At?

“Honestly, no one should ever play football. It’s terrible for your body.”
–Tom Brady, on his first day as a Fox Sports analyst

“Sure, I’ve fucked big-blonde-boobed Dallas whores. But honestly, I think more about those big-blonde-boobed Dallas whores that fucked me.”
–Jerry Jones, closing words to University of Texas graduating class

Tom Brady Hospitalized After Accidentally Ingesting 3 Milligrams Of High Fructose Corn Syrup
In a close call that could have been absolutely catastrophic, Tampa Bay quarterback Tom Brady was rushed to the Tampa General Hospital emergency room on Thursday after appearing to have

Chicago Bears Announce Plans To Convert Soldier Field Into Quarterback Cemetery
Invoking the history of devastating loss that has long plagued it, Chicago Bears GM Ryan Poles held a press conference on Monday announcing plans to convert the team’s soon-to-be-former home,

The Next Booger McFarland? This NFL Commentator Doesn’t Know What The Hell Is Going On
Are you ready for football season? Are you ready for the next Booger McFarland? As we all know Booger McFarland’s Monday Night Football stint included fantastical claims such as “Football

Ranking The Top College Pizza Towns By How Fat Their Lineman Are
Salt, acid, heat, and fat linemen – these are four cornerstones required to create a great college pizza town. Yet a definitive list ranking the nation’s college towns by way

Green Bay Packers Stock Buyback Scheme Nets Owners 3.5K Pounds Of Additional Extra Sharp Cheddar
In an effort to improve their financial statements and reduce the amount of cheddar on hand, the Green Bay Packers Board of Directors issued a stock buyback to net each

Yeehaw! Dallas Cowboys Hogtie Themselves Another Losing Season
Howdy, pilgrims! We’ve heard a great bunch ‘a NFL analysts are plumb mad wit’ that yella belly outlaw, Jerry Jones, who ‘parently went on down ta the O.K. Draft Corral

Struggling Actor Considering Joining The NFL To Book More Commercials
After failing to get a callback for the role of an embarrassing dad in an insurance commercial, local actor Donovan Helsen, 36, says he’s considering taking a part-time job as

NFL Offering Counseling To Players Who Recently Died By Suicide
The NFL has set its sights on expanding mental health care by today announcing a new program that offers counseling to players who have recently died by suicide. Beginning as





