FOOTBALL

“Fans are such pussies. Just buy tickets, watch people obliterate each other, and shut the fuck up.”
–Roger Goodell

“I get that they’re ready to move on, but that felt a little unnecessary.”
–Ben Roethlisberger, on the Steelers changing the locks to all their facilities

A More Mature Bills Team Officially Changes Team Name
The Buffalo Bills, tired of being treated like the kid of the AFC East, have decided to rebrand themselves to reflect a more mature and adult attitude. The football team,

Jerry Jones Hired As New Cowboys Head Coach
A major shakeup occurred in Dallas over the past weekend, as recent Cowboys head coaching hire Mike McCarthy was unceremoniously set aside in favor of a new and audacious prospect,

If The NFL Cares So Much About Safety, Then Why Don’t Players Wear Seatbelts?
We all know that playing in an NFL game is like a car crash, but that begs the question: If the NFL cares so much about safety and well-being of

Fourteen More Jets Players Retroactively Opt Out Of 2020 NFL Season
On the grounds that the 2020 NFL season is nothing more than an imaginary thought exercise despite it still “continuing” into the “playoffs,” fourteen additional Jets players have joined a

Derrick Henry Apologizes For Derailing Train During Morning Jog
Speaking for the first time since the Titans playoff elimination this past weekend, Derrick Henry addressed questions regarding Henry absentmindedly derailing a commuter train during his morning jog. The Tennessee

Drew Brees Takes A Breather While Taysom Hill Bangs His Wife
As a gadget quarterback, Taysom Hill has been used in a variety of different ways throughout his career. This season, however, the Saints have had to get creative in order

Overrated? Patrick Mahomes Hasn’t Even Won Seven Super Bowls
Patrick Mahomes has been talked about in high terms, even getting called by some in the media the Greatest Quarterback of All Time. However, when you look at the numbers,

Think You Have What It Takes To Play In The NFL? Well, You Don’t.
We see you out there, with your 5:00 am kale smoothies and nonstop hype track featuring Jay-Z’s “Run This Town” eight times in a row. We know how slick you






