FOOTBALL

NFL Offseason Update: Record Low Supernatural and Alien Events Reported In Green Bay Since Aaron Rodgers’ Departure

“What if my penis needs a massage from a professional? What am I to do now?”
–DeShaun Watson

“And they say never meet your heroes.”
–Rob Gronkowski, after meeting a Golden Retriever with a football

“I was visited by three ghosts. I don’t remember everything they said, but I took it as ‘make more money!'”
–Jerry Jones, on Christmas

“Shoutout to the man upstairs, without him none of my success would have been possible.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on Santa

Big Tech Or Texas Tech? Which Entity Can Fix My Pager?
Young people say the world is more connected than ever. I respectfully disagree. For the past five days, I haven’t received any pages from my friend Dave Minch to call him

We Interview Aaron Rodgers’ Doctor
Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers disappointed many when he admitted to never receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. But while many were quick to demonize him, we wanted to hear from the man’s

The NFL’s Top Seven Bad Boys Who Haven’t Committed A Felony Yet
We all know it’s just a matter of time before an NFL player gets in trouble with the law. It’s a rite of passage. But let’s take a look at

Punter Currently In Pants-Shitting Phase Of Fake Punt
While down 24-7 and facing 4th and 10, the Las Vegas Raiders deployed their punt unit for a trick play, but after punter AJ Cole took the snap, rolled to

Opinion: If Football Players From The ’60s Are So Tough, Then How Come I Was Just Able To Beat Up Dick Butkus?
Since the day I started watching football, all my dad could ever talk about was how “tough,” “manly,” and “smelly” all of the players he watched in the ‘60s were.

Cause For Concern? This Draft Prospect Is Into Trains. Really Into Trains.
No. 9-ranked Oregon cornerback Todd McCrady has garnered much attention from scouts and team psychologists alike thanks to his near-perfect draft grades — as well as his super vocal admiration

For All The Marbles: This Loser Bet His Marble Collection On The Lions Game
Local loser and family man, turned down-on-his-luck loser and family man, Karl Williamson lost his prized marble collection on the Detroit Lions game last Sunday. The tragic event took place

The Top 5 Quarterbacks Based On Who Just Slipped Me 50 Bucks
I wanted to make a quarterback list and make $50 bucks. Here’s the list, and here are my profits: Joe Flacco $50 bucks? He had it, grabbed it, gave



