FOOTBALL

NFL Offseason Update: Record Low Supernatural and Alien Events Reported In Green Bay Since Aaron Rodgers’ Departure

“What if my penis needs a massage from a professional? What am I to do now?”
–DeShaun Watson

“And they say never meet your heroes.”
–Rob Gronkowski, after meeting a Golden Retriever with a football

“I was visited by three ghosts. I don’t remember everything they said, but I took it as ‘make more money!'”
–Jerry Jones, on Christmas

“Shoutout to the man upstairs, without him none of my success would have been possible.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on Santa

Dick Sucking: Should We Add It To Football?
Like most Americans, we’ve been thinking a lot about how to improve the NFL and the game we love. And it got us thinking: Should we add dick-sucking to football?

Zach Wilson To Star in ’80 For Brady’ Porn Parody
Despite the recent benching to 3rd-string backup quarterback, Zach Wilson isn’t letting anything stop him from pursuing his dreams. Citing his deep affinity for the original, the Jets quarterback surprised

Help! Aaron Rodgers Is Bored And Won’t Stop DMing Us ‘Alien Autopsy’ Highlights
With the Jets season over, when we at Sports Riot got our first DM from Aaron Rodgers, we were stoked. But what we first saw as a blessing, soon turned

Baltimore Man Correctly Living In Fear That Ray Lewis Could Be Around Any Corner
Like most Baltimore residents, Beau Robinson makes a point to be indoors before nightfall, correctly fearing that Ray Lewis could be lurking around any and every corner. According to Baltimore

Aaron Rodgers Announces Plans To Astral-Project Into Tim Boyle’s Body
Saying he has a “contingency plan” if his healing timeline does not pan out, injured Jets superstar Aaron Rodgers held a press conference on Tuesday to announce that he intended

Opinion: Switch Pucks And Footballs For One Wild Weekend
Most sports fans can agree that football and hockey have become stale. Hitting a puck with a stick? Yawn. Throwing a football? Snooze city. However, there is a way to

Opinion: If The NFL Were So Concerned About Concussions, They Would Eliminate Heads From The Game
Every now and again, the NFL pretends to care about the mountains of evidence showing that repeated blows to the head cause brain trauma. I’m sick of their virtue signaling.

Jared Goff Ranked As City Of Detroit’s Second-Biggest Villain After God
New Detroit Free Press rankings list Lion’s quarterback Jared Goff as the city’s second-biggest villain right after God Almighty, who has topped the list since the 1970s. “The Lord has



