FOOTBALL
“Gardening, catching up on reading, but mostly my functioning internal organs.”
–Andrew Luck, on what he’s enjoying about life after football
“I probably go through six or seven dogs a month.”
–Dan Snyder, on the challenges of training pets
“No matter what I do, my past always catches up with me.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on daylight savings time
“Her pathos-ridden portrayal added a much-needed counterpoint to the broader socio-political critique of our perverse adulation of brilliance giving rise to complicit tolerance of abusive behavior.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on Cate Blanchett’s performance in ‘Tar’
Richard Sherman Convinced Government Tracking Him Through Giant Chip On Shoulder
In response to repeated questions from reporters about the large, unmistakable chip on his shoulder, 49ers cornerback Richard Sherman posted a video on Instagram claiming that the chip is a
Nihilist NFL Offensive Coordinator Couldn’t Care Less How Many Points They Score Because The Great Game Of Life Ultimately Has No Points
Nihilist Offensive Coordinator Chris Perlman addressed the press ahead of the upcoming season, saying he doesn’t care how many points the team scores under him because points, like life itself,
Jim Nantz Freaked Out After Tony Romo Predicts His Death
A harrowing moment occurred at the announcers’ booth during this past Sunday’s NFL On CBS broadcast, as famously accurate color commentator Tony Romo proceeded to forecast to a visibly-shaken Jim
New York Jets Predicted to Win 13 Games in 2019-2022 Seasons
The New York Jets are primed for momentous progress as analysts project the team to win 13 games from the 2019-2022 seasons. “Don’t look now, but surging from way at
NFL Ratings Drop After Addition Of Wednesday Morning Football
Ratings continue to plummet for the NFL’s Wednesday Morning Football, which airs at 7:00 a.m. EST on CBS between two reruns of ‘Dr. Phil,’ and have managed to drop to
What Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Got Wrong About Kidnapping Dan Marino
How many could we list? A lowly local pet detective would have access to Dan Marino like that? These kidnappers were found by a guy with that hair? The kidnappers’
TCU Rules ‘Man-To-Man’ Defense An Affront To God
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed
Fuck It: Lions Punt on First Down
After winning the opening coin toss and electing to receive the ball the Lions immediately went into punt formation and returned the ball to the opposition, a play they repeated
