FOOTBALL

“Gardening, catching up on reading, but mostly my functioning internal organs.”
–Andrew Luck, on what he’s enjoying about life after football

“I probably go through six or seven dogs a month.”
–Dan Snyder, on the challenges of training pets

“No matter what I do, my past always catches up with me.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on daylight savings time

“Her pathos-ridden portrayal added a much-needed counterpoint to the broader socio-political critique of our perverse adulation of brilliance giving rise to complicit tolerance of abusive behavior.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on Cate Blanchett’s performance in ‘Tar’

Man At Football Game Secretly Listening To Wedding
Despite being dragged to yet another Buffalo Bills game by his wife, Jake Parker, avid nuptials fan and native Buffaloian, was prepared to secretly be listening to his cousin’s wedding.

Five Facts About Tom Brady You Can Casually Mention To Your Husband To Remind Him What A Sack Of Shit He Is
If you’re anything like us you’re constantly searching for ways to help your man improve himself, but there is so much misinformation out there. Fear not, we waded through the

How To Talk To Your Wife About Incorporating More Fantasy Football In The Bedroom
Admit it, your love life is stale. You and your partner haven’t changed the scoring system or used advanced analytics in years. That’s why we’ve created a comprehensive Sports Riot

Cleveland Browns Look To Take A Quarterback In 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024, 2025, 2026 Draft
Noting that it’s just a way of life at this point, the Cleveland Browns stated that they are looking to take a quarterback for next year and every year following

Mike McCarthy Caught Completely Off Guard By Quarterback Asking Him For Help
Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Mike McCarthy, fresh off drawing up a play during midweek practice, presented his work to his team. Right after drawing the Receiver Route, McCarthy was totally

We Ran It Through An Algorithm: Here are the 218,938,134 Different Super Bowl Scenarios
After our third year of rolling out our algorithmic program, Dalton-Beta-Crest-1100, we knew we were onto something when last year it tabulated 39,383,700 possible scenarios and all of them involved

Tom Brady Requests Trade To New England
After spending his time testing the waters as captain of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, veteran quarterback Tom Brady has decided to embark on an exciting new stage of his career,

Richard Sherman Convinced Government Tracking Him Through Giant Chip On Shoulder
In response to repeated questions from reporters about the large, unmistakable chip on his shoulder, 49ers cornerback Richard Sherman posted a video on Instagram claiming that the chip is a




