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“It wasn’t easy growing up with my name, but it could have been a lot worse.”
–Dick Butkus, on his cousin Penis McRimjob

“Gross, talk about virtue signaling.”
–Roger Goodell, on former NFL players donating their brains to science

10 Facts About Patrick Mahomes’ Personal Life That You, A 45-Year-Old Man, Care About For Some Reason
Patrick Mahomes exploded onto the NFL scene, winning an MVP and Super Bowl ring after only two seasons as the starting quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs, which launched him

Chicago Bears Retire Justin Fields’ Number
With the season over and it obvious Caleb Williams is coming to ChiTown, the Bears did the only thing they could, releasing a statement from GM Ryan Poles calling Fields,

Local Man’s Divorce Brought To Him By FanDuel
Hey fans, if you love custody battles, listen up! The county sheriff has served local man Jackson DeCamp with a robust stack of divorce papers today brought to him by

That’s Weird: Why Hasn’t This Raiders Fan Stabbed Me Yet?
I’ve come totally prepared. It’s Sunday, I’m at a bar in Las Vegas, and there’s a Raiders fan sitting right next to me. Now, there are always variables in any

Yikes: ‘Jeopardy!’ Tapped Kirk Cousins To Guest Host But None Of The Contestants Are Listening To Him
An attempt to replicate the success of guest host Aaron Rogers with Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins is backfiring spectacularly for “Jeopardy!” this week after the show’s contestants are failing

JJ Watt Now State Of Arizona’s Youngest White Male
After announcing last week that he would soon become a Cardinal, JJ Watt also became Arizona’s youngest white male at 32 years old. The title was previously held by Kurt

Outraged NFL Head Coach Demands Some Other Team Sign Colin Kaepernick
The hype surrounding rookie quarterbacks Trevor Lawrence and Zach Wilson has some critics complaining that there’s already a perfectly serviceable free agent in Colin Kaepernick waiting to be signed. One

Andy Reid Franchise Tags Wendy’s
Kansas City chiefs head coach Andy Reid confirmed Monday that he has applied the franchise tag to Wendy’s in response to the restaurant chain’s consistently strong quarterly numbers. Reid, known






