FOOTBALL

“This is another sign of cancel culture run amok.”
–Aaron Rodgers, on why he can’t get back to the Super Bowl

“I respect their decision to remain anonymous.”
–Rob Gronkowski, on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

Debate Time: Tom Brady Vs Joe Montana, But It’s 1792 Japan And They Both Have Throwing Stars
It’s a debate as old as time: Tom Brady vs. Joe Montana. Who would win? Who’s the greatest ever? We know what you’re thinking, dear reader. What if this was

Jacksonville Jaguars GM Mulls Over Which Prospect They Want To Ruin With 2023 No. 1 Pick
Sources close to Jacksonville Jaguars general manager Trent Baalke have reported that the team seems tantalizingly close to finalizing which college football player’s life they will decide to irrevocably destroy

Finally: NFL Releases Statement Denying Pat Tillman Died Of CTE
Nearly 20 years after Pat Tillman’s death, the NFL has finally clarified the former Arizona Cardinals safety did not die of CTE while on patrol in Afghanistan. Commissioner Roger Goodell

In Last Ditch Effort To Avoid War With Russia, Joe Biden Deploys 1980 Olympic Hockey Team
Joe Biden deployed the full roster of the 1980 United States Olympic Hockey Team to eastern Ukraine this past weekend in hopes the ragtag group could pull off another miracle

Why, Though?: Detroit Lions Just Announced Voluntary Rebrand To ‘Detroit Football Team’
When the 2022 season begins, fans with a watchful eye may notice an interesting change. Starting this offseason, the Detroit Lions will undergo a voluntary rebrand to become the Detroit

Wow!: NFL Star Only 3 Yards Away From Breaking Another Restraining Order
Having already smashed the NFL’s record for Class A misdemeanors, wide receiver Cooper Chase stands only three yards away from breaking an incredible eleventh restraining order in a single season.

Congress Allocates Billions For Philadelphia Eagles Fan Defense Spending
In response to adding Eagles fans to the UN earlier this week and truly seeing what they’re capable of, The Senate passed a $74.1 billion spending bill Wednesday that hopes

5 Hall Of Fame Quarterbacks Who Completely Squandered Their Javelin Potential
NFL Hall of Fame bronze busts are an honor for those who shed blood, sweat, and tears on the gridiron, but they also represent a comprehensive list of those select






