FOOTBALL

“I know you don’t have a racist bone in your body–would you like one?”
–Dan Snyder, his go-to pick-up line

“I’m not looking to actively shop him, but I’ll always listen to any trade offers.”
–Kyle Shanahan, holding his newborn baby for the first time

“My cousin has not sucked my dick yet.”
–Trevor Lawrence, on the remaining Jacksonville traditions to embrace

NFL Informs Philadelphia That Games Can Be Enjoyed Without Homicide
The NFL held a press conference in Philadelphia today to persuade the city’s fans that homicide is not necessary to enjoy sporting events. ⠀ The city’s notorious fan base, responsible

Kirk Cousins Refusing To Give Up On Best Buy
Despite shopping fans’ showing an overwhelming preference for the new era of mobile retailers, Minnesota QB Kirk Cousins is refusing to give up on Best Buy, a local downward-trending big

NFL COVID Test Returns Positive For CTE
According to sources close to the Pittsburgh Steelers, the entire NFL has breathed an immense sigh of relief this week after an undisclosed Steelers player’s initial positive COVID-19 test turned

Division III Team Really Playing Like A Division II Team Today
Spectators of the Division III football team Mount Union Purple Raiders were reportedly very impressed by Saturday’s game, saying that they could have sworn that they were watching a D-II

Father Teaches Son To Throw Perfect Spiral, Be Dishonest With Women
Local father and ex-husband Jerry Smeeksmen has reportedly begun taking his son outside to play catch and teach him yet another father-son life lesson: how to throw an absolutely perfect

NFL Taking All Necessary Precautions To Continue Making Money
With concerns over the impact COVID-19 is having on sports, the NFL is doing everything in their power to ensure the health and safety of continuing to make money. Public

It’s Time To Defund The Dallas Cowboys
After decades of misallocated funds, countless losses, and missed playoffs, fans around the country are clamoring to defund the Dallas Cowboys. Caught going 8-8 in 2019 on live video was

NFL Raises $40 Million For Charity Awareness
Continuing its long history of explicit corporate philanthropy, the NFL announced that it has raised over $40 million for a cause it holds near and dear to its heart: Charity





