FOOTBALL
Daniel Jones Offered Performance Bonus For Any Down He Successfully Doesn’t Throw Interception
The New York Giants have announced an atypical but promising incentive for their starting quarterback, Daniel Jones. “Projections show Danny Dimes should be able to ‘cash-in’ on this opportunity between 2-4 times a game!” said head coach Brian Daboll. “That’s lightyears beyond where we are today.”
Girlfriend’s Clitoris Stuck In Michael Strahan’s Teeth Again
Michael Strahan’s “gap” is on an unprecedented cl*toris-to-stuck (CtS) ratio. As of publication, currently Strahan’s 2024 season is on-pace to eclipse Arnold Schwarzenegger’s record of 4.2:1 (CtS:day) ratio. “It’s truly unbelievable what he’s doing,” said longtime teeth-gaper and cli*toris Hall of Famer Eddie Murphy. “I think he can catch Arnie.”
Gronk Amazed To Hear About Storied Tight End “Rob Gronkowski”
Fox Sports Host and Analyst Robert Gronkowski found himself in the NFL Films wing of the Fox studio after taping wrapped on Sunday, sources say. Being lost for hours, Mr. Gronkowski reportedly passed time and waited for help by watching old highlights of all-time players. When Fox Sports security frantically arrived on the scene to […]
Arizona Cardinals Disband After Realizing They Can Just Put Past Seasons On Repeat For Geriatric Fanbase
“We’re pivoting. Rethinking some strategies.”
–Jim Harbaugh, currently hacking into the servers at Washington University’s campus
“Every time I leave Jacksonville I think, ‘Huh, this other town has a functioning sewage system. That’s weird.'”
–Trevor Lawrence
“We have the top pick, again?!”
–Justin Fields, before saying ‘fuck’ for 30 minutes straight
“Through God, all things are possible.”
–Russell Wilson, getting on his knees and praying for the slow, agonizing death of Sean Payton
Aaron Rodgers Announces Plans To Astral-Project Into Tim Boyle’s Body
Saying he has a “contingency plan” if his healing timeline does not pan out, injured Jets superstar Aaron Rodgers held a press conference on Tuesday to announce that he intended
Opinion: Switch Pucks And Footballs For One Wild Weekend
Most sports fans can agree that football and hockey have become stale. Hitting a puck with a stick? Yawn. Throwing a football? Snooze city. However, there is a way to
Opinion: If The NFL Were So Concerned About Concussions, They Would Eliminate Heads From The Game
Every now and again, the NFL pretends to care about the mountains of evidence showing that repeated blows to the head cause brain trauma. I’m sick of their virtue signaling.
Jared Goff Ranked As City Of Detroit’s Second-Biggest Villain After God
New Detroit Free Press rankings list Lion’s quarterback Jared Goff as the city’s second-biggest villain right after God Almighty, who has topped the list since the 1970s. “The Lord has
The Top Five NFL Teams Ranked By This Eagles Fan With A Gun Aimed At The Back Of My Head
There’s nothing sports journalists love more than sitting down and crunching out rankings for NFL teams. But sometimes when there are circumstances beyond our control — like lax security measures
Cocky Punter Tries Throwing It
The college football world was turned upside down last weekend when a rogue punter went off script and attempted a pass. Zach Weiland, USC’s punter, demonstrated his confidence, nay his
Big Tech Or Texas Tech? Which Entity Can Fix My Pager?
Young people say the world is more connected than ever. I respectfully disagree. For the past five days, I haven’t received any pages from my friend Dave Minch to call him
We Interview Aaron Rodgers’ Doctor
Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers disappointed many when he admitted to never receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. But while many were quick to demonize him, we wanted to hear from the man’s
