NBA Retires Carmelo Anthony
Citing the 10-time All-Star’s declining skill set and reluctance to take on a smaller role with a team, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced Monday that the league has determined to
New Olympic Sport: Agreeing With The Boss’ Latest Untenable Growth Hacking Idea
The International Olympic Committee has added Boss Agreement to next summer’s Olympic Games, giving top athletes the chance to showcase their transferable skills in agreeing with the boss’ latest untenable
Aaron Rodgers Retires To Spend More Time Alone With Money
After countless NFL seasons consisting of a Super Bowl victory and an MVP award, seven-time Pro-Bowl QB Aaron Rodgers announced his retirement at a press conference today, citing his desire
Hard-Fought Fencing Match Finally Ends In Murder
Capping off an evenly-matched contest that saw the two sabres trade touches for nearly nine action-packed minutes, Notre Dame freshman Alicia Copeland was finally stabbed to death by her opponent,
Shaq Averages Triple Double At In-N-Out Burger
Shaq posted another stunning performance last night, putting away 12 oz. of 100% American beef, 10 refills, and 11 stolen fries. Averaging an impressive triple double at In-N-Out Burger, Shaq
Man Finally Able To Focus On Fantasy Team Now That Divorce Finalized
After failing to qualify for the fantasy playoffs for the fourth consecutive year, 33-year-old James Sullivan believes he will be able to spend significantly more time focusing on his fantasy
NHL Launches Job Transition Program For Teaching Players Coding
As ratings and profits continue to decline, an average of 25 National Hockey League players lose their jobs every year, robbing so many hard-working athletes of their livelihoods. But, thanks
World’s Oldest BASE Jumper Dies At 23
Father Time finally caught up with 23-year old BASE jumper Dax Felger this Thursday, who was the oldest living BASE jumper in the world prior to a parachute malfunction which
NASCAR Concession Stands Now Offering Deep-Fried Cigarettes
To the delight of NASCAR fans everywhere, all stadium concession stands will now sell deep-fried cigarettes. The novel addition, which immediately caused ticket sales to skyrocket, was announced by NASCAR
