Football
With other quarterbacks, it’s clear where they stand in the League. Lamar Jackson? Any analyst worth their salt will tell you he’s the Michael Vick of Steve Youngs. Aaron Rodgers? Clearly the Kyrie Irving of Brett Favres. But when it comes to Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott, every body part on
Basketball
James Dolan accepted the “New York Knicks Owner of The Year Award” last night in a lavish ceremony at Madison Square Garden hosted by James Dolan, and attended by employees and reluctant family members of James Dolan, who were contractually obligated to be there. “There is plenty of competition for
Baseball
Following a near half-century career, Steroids will be joining the ranks of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and Hank Aaron in the pantheon of all-time greats at the Baseball Hall of Fame, where the Baseball Writers’ Association of America announced it will induct Steroids later this year. The decision comes after
Lesser Sports
It doesn’t say anywhere in the rule books that a dog can’t drive a car, but at least for union officials at SAG-AFTRA, there might be a rule soon, as reports from the new ‘Air Bud’ movie claim over 30 stunt dogs have been brutally injured or killed so far
Football
In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God. “When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said
Basketball
An Atlanta high school basketball coach believes his players must adhere to the basic fundamentals of basketball because he himself can probably not dunk. As a true basketball intellectual, his philosophy is to make the simple play, and any time a player goes for an “up-and-under layup” with no one
Baseball
The Woke Mind Virus. We laughed when brain-dead celebrities first introduced it. We wept when our government’s biased insistence on a “liberal” arts education spread it to our innocent children. But when it came to America’s institutions, we all naively thought we were safe. Sadly, this all got upended on
Lesser Sports
According to rumors circulated and later confirmed by Stephanie, the new talk of the Minnesota Wild’s Xcel Energy Center is the opposing team’s hockey net, which has scandalized the entire arena by totally opening its posts and, we swear to you, letting just about anything inside of it. “Ugh, gag
Football
The National Football League has announced it will be introducing CTE Unawareness Month this coming season. The league will promote the initiative using the hashtag #ForgetAboutCTE. All 32 franchises plan to show their support by outfitting their stadiums and player uniforms with foggy-gray patches which prominently feature the campaign’s slogan,
Basketball
24 years after its death in 1999, Wilt Chamberlain’s penis will be honored at Crypto.com Arena Thursday before the Lakers face the Spurs. Fans 18 and over will receive a commemorative bobble-penis-head figurine, the team’s largest giveaway in history. “We’ve been eyeing Wilt’s stilt for a long time,” said Crypto.com
Baseball
Speaking to a crowd of awed well-wishers from a consulting room in Beth Israel Hospital on Saturday, longtime New York Yankees fan Michael Solari said that he was incredibly honored to have just been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease. “I had Lou Gehrig’s poster on my wall growing up, but
Lesser Sports
A once-rising star in the textile game has seen his time at the Nike factory in Majalengka come to an unexpected end today when the sports apparel giant announced they wouldn’t pick up his sixth year option after he was maimed during a scaffolding collapse while on the Jordan assembly
Aaron Glenn Assures Jets Fans 2025 Super Bowl Run Still Possible Based On These 31 Team Bus Accidents
With the New York Jets having finished the 2025 regular season in last place with a 3-14 record, many fans assumed this would spell the end of their Super Bowl
Alarming: 34 Percent Of Americans Don’t Even Know Who Their Backup QB Is
A chilling study out of the Pew Research Center revealed Friday that more than a third of the country doesn’t even know the first and last names of their team’s
Deion Sanders Not Interested In Browns Job Due To Messy Quarterback Situation
Since becoming head coach of the Colorado Buffaloes, Deion Sanders has been eyeing an upgrade to the NFL. Now that a clear opportunity has presented itself in the Cleveland Browns,
Tua Shopping Free Agent Suitors By Seeing Which Turf is Most Comfortable to Bounce Head Off Of
Soon-to-be former Miami Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa is set to hit free agency for the first time in his career this offseason and his head has been bouncing around with
News of Mike McDaniel Getting Fired Stuns Miami Resident Right in the Middle of Robbing Neighbor’s House
29-year-old Miami native Alex Martin was in the middle of robbing his neighbor’s house when he received some startling news: his hometown Dolphins had fired their head coach Mike McDaniel.
Blackhawks Looking Good This Year, Says Bears Fan On Verge Of Tears
Braving near-negative temperatures to support his team in the stands of Soldier Field, one thought stuck in the mind, heart, and tear ducts of troubled Bears fan Mac Dabrowski —
Pete Carroll Thinking About Taking Year Off Of NFL To Coach At North Carolina And Fuck 24-Year-Olds
After an unsuccessful year in Las Vegas, Pete Carroll’s brief tenure as the Raiders head coach has ended. However after a long and storied career in the NFL, Carroll is
Revealed: Aaron Rodgers Contract To Be Paid Entirely In Attention
In a groundbreaking contract restructuring, the Steelers have agreed to Aaron Rodgers’ terms that he be paid entirely in attention. While this is an NFL first, nobody in the organization
Fuck: We Just Asked Aaron Rodgers A Question And Now He’s Reflecting
Okay, so this one’s probably on us. Everyone knows the first rule of journalism is “Never ask Aaron Rodgers a question.” Well, we did and — holy shit — he’s
